Reality Show Recap: The Shore Store closes

Happy Friday! It’s the end of the week and that can only mean one thing. It’s time for a weekly roundup of the best/worst reality shows on television.

Warning!!! Spoilers ahead!

Sunday

“The Amazing Race” – It’s time this show shook things up. I think it’s time for a celebrity version of “The Amazing Race”. One of the problems with this show is that it takes time to learn who the contestants are. Sometimes we never do and the next thing you know they’re eliminated. If the series opened with celebrities, we’d know what we’re dealing with from the start. Besides familiarity, we’d have so much more conflict. No group of people is more pampered and spoiled than celebrities. Watching them stack watermelons or string harps would be fun.   

In the meantime let’s get to tonight’s non-celeb episode of “The Amazing Race”.

Episode highlights:

- Mark (or Bopper, I can’t tell them apart) again wore a CC Tigers sweatshirt. Being from Kentucky I’m sure this doesn’t have anything to do with Colorado College but it certainly makes me curious as to what it means.

- The Fast Forward with the remote control helicopter looked fun. As someone who plays plenty of video games, I’m pretty sure my hand-eye coordination would’ve come in handy on that one.

- I’m getting a lot of guilty pleasure watching Dave and Rachel’s marriage fall apart. I’m not really sure why.

- I know it was pure product placement but Ford’s Active Park feature was very cool. That said, I do take pride in my parallel parking skills.

- Brendon and Rachel look like a very well matched couple. An emotionally unstable woman with the maturity level of a middle schooler paired with an egotistical academic pretty boy is a recipe for a successful union if I ever heard of one. 

Episode lowlights:

- Yo CBS, can you please subtitle every word Mark and Bopper say? I need a redneck translator for these guys. 

- Joey “Fitness” and Danny are about as Italian as a jar of Ragu, so their comments about dating some Italian women back home (who are really American women with Italian ancestry) are absurd. Is Snooki Italian? Not even close.   

- Art and JJ finish the Fast Forward but we’re never really given an idea how long it took. It could have taken 15 minutes or an hour, we never know. I understand this show is edited that way to create suspense but unless a team is on the verge of elimination, viewers should know idea how long things take to complete.

Conclusion: Has there every been a funnier named Detour than Name That Salami?. Feel free to insert your own inappropriate joke here..I paused my TV and read the Detour card. I was surprised at how descriptive it was…Mark and Bopper finish last but it was a non-elimination episode. As unintelligible as they are Mark and Bopper are easy going and seem like good guys. I’m glad they’re sticking around a while longer.

“Celebrity Apprentice” – I’m a big fan of Adam Carolla so I listen to his podcast all the time. In the last few weeks he’s had Lisa Lampanelli, Penn Jillette, and Debbie Gibson on his show. If you’re a super fan of “Celebrity Apprentice”, it might worth your time to check these podcasts out. Carolla does a good job of avoiding spoilers, but you will get first hand knowledge on how some things work behind the scenes. Adam also does a great job filling in the backstory of the people on the show. Its pretty entertaining.

Of course, there’s plenty of Carolla humor. I’d recommend his podcast even if you aren’t a “Celebrity Apprentice” fan, but that’s just my preference. Adam’s personality is right in my wheelhouse.

Episode highlights:

- This show has my favorite theme song of any program currently on the air. “For the Love of Money” by The O’Jays is such a solid song. Remember when TV theme songs used to have to be good? Of course, this was back in the 70s and 80s. Man I’m getting old.

- Dayana is stunning. She’s a bit too skinny for my taste but she’s right up there with Selma Hayek and Penelope Cruz for me. She has a sultry voice and is just flat out beautiful. I never blink when she’s onscreen.

- Ha! I loved the Tiger Woods crack that Carolla brought up during the meeting with the Buick people. I literally laughed out loud. The Buick reps? Not so much.

- Said the wife about Debbie Gibson, “She looks like Dee Snider.” I was thinking Dee Snider’s younger sister but you get the point.

- Lou took a beating during the last 30 minutes of the show but deservedly so. Penn said it best near the end of the show. Ferrigno just has one skill – being the Hulk.

Episode lowlights:

- Its always irked me how the money for charities is doled out on this show. One challenge can be worth $500K, another is only $20K. That’s a bit messed up.

- Why didn’t Ivanka match the $20K that Dayana won? Did her kid really need that solid gold rattle?

- I’m pretty sure Lou Ferrigno has the biggest ego of anybody on the men’s team. Says Lou, “Everybody loves Lou Ferrigno. Anything I do creates attention.” This coming from a guy who hasn’t had a regular TV job in 30 years.

- Is it just me or does Jersey housewife Teresa have the lowest forehead ever? It looks like her hairline starts ¼ inch from her eyebrows. Creepy.

Conclusion: Noooooooo!!! Carolla goes home. I wasn’t surprised but I hated to see him go. Now this show is at least 25% less enjoyable. I have no way of measuring this, I’m just estimating…Andretti going home wasn’t much of a surprise either. This entire season he’s been quiet and reserved, which isn’t really his fault, it’s just his personality. That said, I understand why Trump let him go. When it comes to cars, is there a more recognizable name than Andretti?…It’ll be interesting to see how Lou does when he finally gets to be project manager. I’m looking forward to seeing the Hulk sell mops.  

“Celebrity Apprentice” Insider Information – I listened to the aforementioned Carolla podcast on Wednesday. Turns out he was encouraged by an NBC producer to do an “Steve Jobs” type of presentation, which is why it seemed as if Carolla was doing a majority of the talking. The Paul and Lou bit, which looked odd during the show, was much longer and more involved than what aired. In the boardroom Trump asked Carolla who should be fired and he said, “The producer who told me to do a Steve Jobs style of presentation”. Needless to say, that was edited out.

Monday

“The Bachelor” – I apologize to my loyal Bachelor Running Diary readers (all four of you) for not writing up something on the Bachelor finale. Sadly, I was preoccupied. That said I doubt I would have had much to add anyway. I made the mistake of watching it live and the program was an even 50/50 commercials to content split, and a lot of that content was filler. I can’t say I was surprised by who Ben chose, but I can say that he was one of the most boring men in Bachelor history.

Tuesday

“Glee” – “Glee” aired yet another rerun this week. Spring break? Still working on T-Caps? They ran out of show tunes to sing?

Wednesday

“Survivor: One World” – I’ve been harassing Jeff Probst’s PR rep like my dog Butters does when someone is eating. I have been relentless. Luckily for me she’s been very patient but Jeff (I feel close enough to him to call him by his first name now) is one busy dude. I’ll keep fighting the good fight though.

I think Confucius said it best, “Just keep nagging and eventually you’ll get what you want.”

Episode Highlights:

- Love the tribe mix up. We’re only a couple weeks in but a shake up is always a good thing. Everyone had a strategy and now all those plans are right in the toilet. This leads to new alliances and totally throws the social tier on its head. They should do stuff like this more often. 

- Also like the idea of another tribe being forced to move to a different beach. It makes challenges, which often don’t make much of a difference, actually mean something.

- Colton is a two-faced lying dog but he’s playing the game so well that he doesn’t lift a finger at camp and nobody says a word to him about it. How is that possible? So far he’s the only future all-star I see on this show. Although Chelsea or Kat may be able get in solely on their looks.  

- I found it ironic that Colton was whining about how weak his tribe was when he is just as weak as everyone else. They’re horrible at “Survivor” because they couldn’t catch a chicken, Colton? Funny that you say that while sitting on your ass. 

- Why is Colton still fat? Hasn’t he been out there for about 12 days? Shouldn’t he have lost some weight by now? Did he sneak in some Twinkies or something?

Episode Lowlights:  

- Monica needs to start wearing t-shirts instead of tank tops. I’ve seen more seams on her than I have on my Chuck Taylors. Monica boob joke #2.

- Early in the show the women’s tribe seemed confident that they could go into a merge with superior numbers and slowly knock the guys out one by one. Ha! If this show has taught us anything, it’s that a large group of women will slowly chop each other’s legs out from under each other. Just ask this guy.

- Alicia’s a special ed teacher. I wonder what her students are thinking about her after seeing her boobs and butt on national TV.

- Jonas revealed why everyone kisses Colton’s butt. To paraphrase he said, “As long as it’s not me.” I hate when people play that game.

- Please CBS producers, please! Stop showing Tarzan in his banana hammock, especially when he’s bending over. I REALLY didn’t need to see his coin purse.

- Colton had to tell Tarzan who Monica was. He also had trouble remembering Jonas’s and Monica’s name at tribal council. The man is a plastic surgeon, do you really want a guy who can’t remember the names of people he’s been with for 12 days straight operating on you?

Conclusion: Tarzan, speedo aside, is growing on me. He throws out words like “shant”, “loadstar”, “afoot” and a few other words not normally used in everyday speech. He’s the Gary Busey of reality TV…I’m not sure why Colton and Alicia felt the need to lie to everyone about who they were voting for, then blow smoke at Monica before voting her off. The problem with this is that NOBODY (except for Jonas) will trust these two and it makes them look like jerks.

“America’s Next Top Model” – Dear Tyra, what happened to you? Are you taking new medication? Are you depressed? Are you really happy? What the heck is wrong with you? You’ve been eerily normal all season and that’s just not like you. You haven’t screamed at a model or made a music video with a midget all season.

Go back to your winning ways Tyra. Hire Benny Ninja and have a pose off. Grab the camera from Nigel Barker (I think he left it in Louise’s room, wink wink) and start barking orders at these coat racks, telling them to “smize” and “booty tooch”. What I wouldn’t give for some POT LEDOM!!!

I miss she-just-did-something-so-crazy-that-Joel-McHale-will-have-to-rip-her-mercilessly-on-The-Soup Tyra. Instead we’re left with Boring Tyra. Do you have a twin sister? Sorry, I had to ask.

Episode Highlights:

- Yes! Crazy Tyra makes an appearance! She’s got a cape on and is talking about how every model has a super power. Her medication must have worn off!

- Tyra gives each model a nonsensical superhero name. I don’t know what intoxibella means and I never read her book but now I want to. I’m certain it’s even funnier than Tina Fey’s “Bossypants”.

- As she put labels on the models Tyra would smack each woman in the boobs. No snarky comment, just an observation.

- Tyra managed to let it slip that she graduated from Harvard Business School. She forget to mention it took a $10 million donation.

- British model Alisha is the star of this season. She’s funny, has a great accent, and tells it like it is. I’m rooting for her to win.

- Azmarie is the best American model. She’s smart, organized, and knows exactly what type of model she is. Of course, this opinion comes from my years of experience watching this show so I could be completely talking out of my… 

Episode Lowlights:

- Is throwing waded up paper on a person really a good prank? If it’s 2:30 in the morning you could throw bricks on me and I wouldn’t wake up. These women must have found that idea in the “Vinnie and Pauly D Lame Book of Pranks”.

- Seymone is emotionally unstable. Granted, she’s 19 and in a high stress environment, but she’s an emotional roller coaster so far.

- Is it just me or does judge Kelly Cutrone look like a grown up version of Wednesday from “The Addams Family”?

- Louise lost it and left the show. Cutrone’s mean girl behavior and Nigel Barker’s refusal to return her calls broke her down.

Conclusion: Kelly Cutrone is super aggressive. I’ve never seen a judge who gets in contestants faces like she does…I’m still waiting for someone to explain to me how judges determine what makes for a good picture. I have a better chance of picking the exact date of the zombie apocalypse than I do for figuring out what makes a good model…I’d like to tell you who got voted off but I can’t. My DVR cut off the show right before the person kicked off the show was announced. Gah! 

Thursday

“Jersey Shore” – This is the season finale of “Jersey Shore” and the series finale for me. In all honesty, I’m not exactly sure how MTV brings this show back. Snooki is engaged and pregnant and Pauly D now has his own spin off. Do they replace Snooks? Do they replace Pauly? I don’t see how the show can make it without those two. They’re the shows strongest cast members. Think about it, Vinnie has been reduced to being Robin to Pauly’s Batman. Deena is completely uninteresting without her meatball partner. Jwoww is approaching menopause. Ronnie and Sammi (who’s tipping 250lbs. and looks like she could play linebacker for the Broncos), haven’t been relevant for two seasons. I think Sam castrated Ronnie after Miami. And The Situation has gone from fan favorite in season 1 to a man who will do AN-Y-THING for camera time, including banging his head against a concrete wall and concussing himself to torturing a fellow cast member in what turned out to be this season’s biggest non-story.

I hate to say it but this show looks as done as Snooki after chugging five Long Island Iced Teas at Karma.

Episode Highlights:

- Vinnie managed to pull off a threesome with two lesbians and he was a little more proud of himself than he should have been. Ronnie said it best, “One of them looked like Matthew McConaughey”.  But still, I’d brag about it too.

- What are guidos and guidettes most afraid of? Lightning evidently. Deena ran during the lightning storm and hid under a couch just like my dog does.

- I like watching the Shore cast dance. They make me look like Michael Jackson.

- Is it just me or does Mike’s brother look like Mike with his nose smushed in?

- Saw yet another preview for “The Pauly D Project”. I’m still on the fence about it. He’s easily the most interesting guy in the house, but much like the rest of the “Jersey Shore” cast, he’s so aware of the cameras that he knows how to play to them now. I might give it one episode.

- Joke of the night (by me). Deena said she was going to get into the fat suit and I said, “You’re already in it!” Sadly I was the only one laughing because I’m the only one left in my family who watches this show.

- The water balloon fight looked fun. As boring as this group has become, you can tell they’re sincerely close. You don’t spend that much time together and not become close to people, no matter how different you are.

- An extended promo for the new “Punk’D” was shown. As long as Ashton Kutcher isn’t involved, I’m interested. And by interested I mean as-long-as-I’m-sitting-around-on-a-boring-weekend-and-there’s-nothing-good-on-TV-and-I-just-happen-to-come-across-the-show interested. 

Episode Lowlights:

- How low has this show sunk? The “prank” Pauly and Vinnie pulled is the entire first segment of the show. The entire situation played out like a bad Carsenio skit.

- That said, Mike took the “prank” (and I will keep putting quotes around it until it becomes a real prank) poorly, throwing a fit over his over priced tennis shoes getting some rain on them. He was acting like a toddler whose parents wouldn’t take him to Toys R Us. Yo Sitch, you make enough money to buy yourself another pair of $100 kicks. Unless, of course, that’s what you’ve invested all your hard earned “Jersey Shore” money into.

Conclusion: The goodbyes were tough this time. Not because this show is over (you know MTV will milk this series as long as it can) but because it’s an end of an era for me. The first season of the “Jersey Shore” was a lot of fun. It was like a weekly party. But sadly, like every party it has to end. For me, it ended tonight.