'BACHELORETTE DIARY': Week 1 - Emily's path to an unfulfilling relationship begins
“The Bachelorette” has returned! That’s right, bachelorette, not bachelor. Monday night is now ladies night!
Who needs that wannabe playboy, Geico pitchman, Francine doppelganger, Ben Flajnik anyway? Viewers can now enjoy watching saccharine sweet southern belle Emily pretend to find love instead. Yeah!
Having Emily as the bachelorette really is a win/win for everyone. Viewers can wonder why a woman who looks like Barbie come to life needs a reality show to find a husband AND see what kind of creepy guys with six-pack abs will try to win her affections while furthering their modeling/acting/singing careers.
Of course, with every new season of this series there are new questions that must be asked:
1) Will that dastardly rapscallion Bentley make an appearance? I’m hoping he does, only so I can see a webcam of Ashley watching the program as she listens to Bentley talk about how much he wishes he was on this season instead of hers, then seeing Ashley bang her head against a wall until she passes out.
2) Will the newly divorced Chris Harrison make a pass at Emily? According to my bookie, the odds are 4:1. If you parlay that bet with Harrison trying to awkwardly kiss Emily during a one-on-one interview Michael Scott-style, you can win a cool $10K on a $20 bet. No kidding (I’m kidding)!
- How many bromances will emerge this season? Unlike “The Bachelor,” where most of the women are competitive, the men on “The Bachelorette” swing the other way. The men treat the show like a camp for Chippendales dancers and forget the reason they’re there most of the time. I’m guessing we’ll see three solid bromances. Let the sausage fest begin!
- Which guy won’t be there for “the right reasons?” There’s always one and he either has a girl back home, is an aspiring country singer, or likes stringing girls along by saying the magical words, “dot, dot, dot.” Evidently this phrase completely baffles women and makes a man irresistible. I wish I’d of known this years ago. I would have been using that line at every frat party I went to.
There are so many more things I want the answer to but I can’t wait any longer! Let’s get to this week’s running diary. As usual I've provided interesting links that add to the experience. Please be sure to click on them.
8:31 – Emily is shown playing with her daughter Ricki, doing typical mom and daughter things like feeding birds, swinging in the park, and “accidentally” releasing several red balloons. Nena would be proud. Meanwhile, I’m wondering if Emily has fake boobs, how she can afford the giant mansion she lives in and the Escalade she drives, and what type of erectile dysfunction Brad had that caused her to dump him.
8:34 – Here’s Emily talking to Chris Harrison post-Brad about her breakup. She’s doing her best Deanna Pappas move (wiping away fake tears). Now I’m wishing I could remember all of the Bachelor gestures/moves I’ve made up. Here’s what I remember:
- The Pappas: Non-existent tear wipe with a pinky finger
- The Mesnick: Crying over a balcony
- The Pavelka: Being as phony as a Taco Bell burrito
- The Vienna: Being a passive aggressive lunatic with the maturity of a middle schooler
- The Womack Part 1: The inability to make up your mind in the face of a simple decision
- The Womack Part Deux: Talking to a therapist on camera to make yourself look sympathetic
- The Kasey: Talking like Kermit the frog and defending your woman in spite of her aforementioned lunacy
- The Ashley: Stupidly falling for someone you were specifically told was bad for you
That’s all I recall. If I forgot any, let me know.
8:36 – Now Emily is standing by a lake and staring into the sunset. I’m guessing she’s trying to blind herself. Who in the world does this?!?
8:40 – Harrison is babbling some nonsense about how different this season is and how America loves Emily. It’s nice to see that regardless of his relationship woes that Chris hasn’t lost his gift for hyperbole.
8:41-8:47 Montage! Time to meet some bachelors!
- First we meet Kalon. He looks like a rich, pretentious Donald Trump wannabe. If he makes it through the first rose ceremony it’ll be amazing.
- Next is Ryan, he’s the former pro athlete with the heart of gold. You can tell because he likes to jog with his dog.
- Bachelor #3 is Tony who buys and sells lumber, is ripped like Michael Phelps, and is a single dad. He’ll stick around for a long time. Unless Emily hates soul patches.
- Now we see Lerone. This series has been under fire for lacking diversity. Lerone is ABC’s lone attempt among 25 men to erase their image problem.
- Up next is singer/songwriter David. Judging by the little bit of singing viewers are given, it makes sense that we’ve never heard of him.
- The next bachelor is Charlie, who almost died when he fell off a second story balcony. The lesson to be learned? Drinking and balconies don’t mix.
- It’s Jef with one F’s turn. He’s a hipster skater dude who’s the CEO of a water company and has a Rick Astley-style haircut. He’s the cool, poetic type who likes to sit by rivers and look at clouds.
- Arie is an Indy racecar driver specifically brought on the show by ABC producers to pull at Emily’s heartstrings and make her perform the Pappas countless times.
Why were these men singled out? Either they’re going to do something stupid or they’re going to sick around awhile.
8:51 – More mommy/daughter time for Ricki and Emily. Ricki wears her mommy’s heels while Emily puts on some rouge. Emily’s vanity looks like a replica of the Macy’s makeup section.
8:52 – Time for Harrison and Emily to chat before the bachelors arrive. Now’s the time for him to make his move! This could be the shortest. Bachelor. Season. In. Series. History.
8:53-8:56 - I nearly fall asleep during the Harrison/Maynard “interview.” I know elementary school kids who would ask tougher questions.
9:00 – And here come the bachelors!
9:01 – Sean, an insurance agent, is out first. Like most insurance agents, he doesn’t do anything special. Although I do think he slipped a business card in Emily’s shirtsleeve while she wasn’t looking.
9:02 – Charity Director/Realtor Doug connects with Emily by talking about his 11-year old son. Good move, makes him relatable and memorable.
9:05 – Jef with one F rolls up on a skateboard. Not one hair out of his pampadour was out of place. Well done Jef!
9:06 – And we have our first oddball, Stevie, a Party MC, who is channeling his inner Pauly D and dances up to Emily while carrying a portable radio. I gotta ask ladies, does this make him memorable or instantly eliminate him? Someone tell me.
9:07 – Now Tony the lumber guy tries something unique, bringing out a glass slipper on a pillow. But only one glass slipper. Couldn’t he have at least given her a matching set? Where’s the other shoe? And how creepy is it that he knew her shoe size. Cyber stalker.
9:12 – Here comes the guy I mentioned in my preview who’s dressed like Mrs. Doubtfire, Randy. If I’m a woman I can live with the glass slipper and the DJ, but dressing up as a grandma? No way.
9:14 – John, aka “Wolf,” has arrived. Why does he have that nickname? Is he a lady killer? Was he raised by wolves? Does he have a tattoo of Balto on his back? Why?!? And why does he tell Emily that, “All my good friends call me Wolf?” Wouldn’t you laugh your ass off if someone told you that? As a man, I can say with all certainty that if any male friend of mine told me to call them a name like that they’d be the butt of so many jokes that they’d never call themselves “Wolf” again.
9:15 – In walks Travis with his ostrich egg that supposedly symbolizes how he’ll take care of Ricki and Emily. If I were a guy on this show I’d constantly be trying to knock it out of his hands. Then I could tell Emily that if he really cared about her, he’d of never let it hit the ground. Another dude out of my way. Or better yet, I’d put it under an incubator while he was on dates so it hatched and laugh at him while he regurgitated his shish kabob into a baby ostrich’s mouth.
9:16 – Emily meets Alejandro from Columbia and tries her best to speak Spanish. Looks like that one year of 8th grade Spanish is paying off. Except she pronounces “taco” like “Tay-co” and tells Alejandro “Yo k-airo Tay-co Bell.”
9:18 – Kalon arrives via helicopter. A helicopter that looked like it was taken off the set of M.A.S.H. I hope the rental fee for it was low. I’m amazed he survived the flight in.
9:18 – All the men have arrived. I have to admit, Emily handled it with poise. She was friendly, had her phony laugh down pat, and seemed to be genuinely interested in each guy. I see a future for her as an "Entertainment Tonight" host.
It should be no surprise that Emily received LOTS of compliments, more than I can remember any prior bachelorette receiving. By my count she was called “stunning” four times, “amazing” three times, and “gorgeous” five times. She was also called “unbelievable,” “phenomenal,” and “fantastic.” The bachelors seemed genuinely impressed. Personally, I think Emily is very pretty but she’s not my flavor. That said, in person she just might be the type of woman who truly takes a man’s breath away. I’ve only met one or two women like that in my entire life. You know the type, so beautiful that it actually makes you uncomfortable. Maybe Emily’s that pretty. But I doubt it.
9:23 – Getting some cocktail party montages with little snippets of conversations. Tonight is going much differently than a bachelor’s first cocktail party would. It is so much LESS competitive. The guys are being funny, appear to be honest, and are trying to have conversations with Emily that can help them connect with her. This show is such a different animal. That said, many of the comments from the guys about Emily are about her looks.
9:24 – Chris whips out a bobblehead version of himself and Emily. Says the wife, “It’s not sweet, it’s not romantic, it’s not thoughtful. I’d eliminate him.” My wife’s a tough cookie. That said, if a woman gave ME that on a date I’d definitely keep her around.
9:26 – Jef with one F is smooth. He’s picked a secluded spot and set some champagne aside for him and Emily. The guy is confident and Emily is responding to it. Says Emily, “Jef has a cool vibe and kind of makes me feel like a nerd.” I guess she shouldn't be showing off her collection of Dungeons and Dragons collectibles then.
9:28 – Doug is REALLY playing up the single dad card. He had his son write Emily a note. Slick! He’s reeling her in by making himself a dad first, then (I’m guessing) a husband second. Interesting strategy.
9:35 – Kalon’s starting to get some grief from the other guys. This shouldn’t be a surprise. First, he flew in on a helicopter, which makes him look like a spoiled rich guy. Then the MC, Stevie, gets unreasonably bent because he doesn’t immediately give up his time with Emily when another man breaks up their conversation. I’m with Kalon on this one. Looks like Stevie has an unnecessary beef and may feel insecure about someone that may have a lot more money than he does.
9:37 – Kudos to Arie for coming clean right away and telling Emily that he’s a racecar driver. To Emily’s credit, she took it in stride. Which, in all honesty, is a bit of a surprise. I guess it would be different however, if Emily’s fiancée died in a race than in a plane.
9:38 – Doug gets the first impression rose. He’ll need to call his son tonight and tell him he’ll get that Xbox 360 he promised him for writing down what his dad told him to write.
9:45 – Rose ceremony time! I have no idea who is going home. Of course, at this point all these guys look the same (same suit, same hair cut, mostly all white guys) so it’s hard to tell them apart anyway.
9:46 – Yes! Kalon (Helicopter Guy) gets a rose! I’m sure Harrison had to talk Emily into picking him because his conflict with the other guys makes for good TV, but I don’t care.
9:50 – After furiously keeping count with his abacus, master mathematician Chris Harrison comes out and states the obvious to Emily – she only has one rose left.
9:51 – Travis and his ostrich egg get the last rose, preventing what could have been the coolest meltdown ever in Bachelorette history (Travis smashing his ostrich egg to the ground, yelling, “See what you made me do!” and stomping off in tears).
9:52 – Brent (name tag guy, SIX kids), Jean Paul (marine biologist, likely French-Canadian), Lerone (get ready to be sued ABC) and some other guys get sent packing.
9:55 – The season preview seemed to reveal quite a bit. It seems Arie, Doug, Jef with one F, and perhaps Wolf go far…We see Emily smooching a lot of guys…We see drama amongst the men. Is there a “not here for the right reason’s guy” this season? Count on it…We see Emily telling a guy to “get the F out.”…We see several guys crying (wimps)…We see Dolly Parton. Yep, THE Dolly Parton.
Final Thoughts – The season is off to a good start. We have a bachelorette who is much more savvy than Ashley, an interesting mix of guys, and what looks like some potential future drama. Sounds like a winner to me. My front runner so far? Jef with one F.
