'BACHELORETTE DIARY': Week 3 - Emily digs Karl Mecklenburg
Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelorette.”
A couple quick items before we get to this week’s running diary.
After seeing Emily fawn over “Cute” Chris, telling him how handsome he was, I asked last week if women agree. I received three responses. Two readers flat out said no. A third said that maybe Emily finds Chris attractive because he has a nice personality. Interesting thought.
This reminded me of something my brother and I discussed after watching last week’s episode (Yes, he watches too. Bachelor shows are a Terrones family tradition). In a “normal” environment, men would react completely differently than they do on this show. That would seem to go without saying, but hear me out.
Men are not naturally competitive when it comes to women. Unlike big horn sheep or peacocks or gorillas, once a man sees that another man has targeted a woman, a man chooses a new target. For example, last week Lumberjack Tony waited patiently for Bed Head Ryan’s 180-page love sonnet to end before he had a chance to speak to Emily. In real life, that would never happen. In real life, Tony would have seen a woman he was interested in engaged with another man and moved on.
Men like to feel special and unique, they like being a woman’s “hero,” which is why the bachelor’s hotel/house is completely unnatural for a guy, and why so many of the men bond with each other and things turn into a Schmitts Beer commercial (and yes, I will run this clip into the ground). How can a guy be one woman’s hero with so many other supermen around? He can’t.
That said, I think the reason couples from “The Bachelorette” last longer than those from “The Bachelor” (I have absolutely NO statistics to back this up by the way) is because of the role men are forced into when competing against each other. Men are forced to be humble because there’s so much competition, which makes them more honest. Think about it, what do men always feel like they have to do for a woman? Show off, of course. Prove that we can be more than what we are, which leads to us showing a false sense of self. On “The Bachelorette” men can’t do that, there’s so many guys just as good looking, just as smart, just as interesting as the next guy, that a man can’t help but be humbled.
This is why we saw Jef with One F act so surprised last week when Emily gave him a rose on the group date. Do you think a man that cute (relatively speaking) and successful would be taken by surprise like that in a normal setting? No way.
And that was my Dr. Phil moment for this week. Thank you.
Please feel free to comment on this post or email me your thoughts (firstname.lastname@example.org) on this topic and any other Bachelorette musings. I just might quote you in my next running diary lead, which leads to the prize of…being in this post. I know it's not much, but I'm on a budget.
One last thing: I will be in Los Angeles next week covering E3 (if you’ve never heard of it, it’s a nerd thing, don’t worry about it, I’m not offended), so I’ll be missing out on next week’s episode (6/4). While Emily’s talking about the challenges of single motherhood, I’ll be at a press conference, so there’ll be no running diary next Monday. Sorry. However, I’ll get back to business the following Monday (6/11).
Enough, chit chat. Time to get to the most dramatic episode in bachelorette history. And again, please check out the flavor filling links.
7:01 – Emily gets breakfast in her giant bed from her mother. Her mother by the way, sounds like Harvey Fierstein from "Mrs. Doubtfire." I’m guessing her hormone therapy treatments are going well.
7:02 – Chris Harrison is in the hizzy! Am I the only one who gets excited when there’s a Harrison sighting? I’m guessing the answer to that question is yes.
7:04 – “Cute” Chris gets a one-on-one date and we have our first dating metaphor of the season. Chris and Emily have to climb a wall to get to their dinner location because just like a relationship, “You have to go slow and steady and start from the bottom and work your way up.” I just threw up in my mouth a little.
7:11 – Emily’s crush on Cute Chris continues. She tells him that if she saw Chris in a bar, she wouldn’t go up and talk to him because he’s so cute and she’d be too nervous. I’m convinced Emily has cataracts.
7:13 – Finally Emily asks some relevant questions. She finds out Cute Chris is 25 and for her that’s a bit of a red flag. Emily seems concerned about his age and how that will impact his readiness to be a parent. Very good point. If Emily wasn’t a parent, I’m sure this would be a non-issue, but asking a guy to become an instant dad at 25 might be a tall order. Good to see this is on her mind. Perhaps she’s more serious than I gave her credit for.
7:15 – Chris handles the “age” issue well. He seems sincere and despite his hideous appearance, appears to be a decent guy. Emily seems smitten and gives Cute Chris a rose.
7:16 – Emily and Cute Chris are now dancing in the middle of a street to some country band I’ve never heard of (not that I know of many country bands). I mute my TV after subjecting my ears to the lyrics, “I’m a little drunk on you and high on summer time.” I will change the lyrics of this song to, “I’m a little drunk on poo and high on key lime pie” and make my first hit country record.
7:17 – Cute Chris makes his first mistake of the evening, he asks Emily if he can kiss her. To all the men that read this running diary (my brother), you NEVER ask a woman if you can kiss her. NEVER. You just know when the time is right.
7:18 – In a 30-second span Cute Chris twice says how the time he’s spent tonight with Emily is the “best” moment of his life. I can’t wait until Emily rips Chris’s heart out Temple of Doom-style in the season finale and he becomes the next Bachelor.
7:22 – Woohoo! It’s every man’s favorite event! A group date! Because guys love sharing a woman! There won’t be any uncomfortable moments here.
7:25 – Emily has decided to surprise the guys on the group date, blindsiding the men and forcing them to go through a screening process by talking with a bunch of her girlfriends. I’m not okay with this. I understand that this may be useful for Emily, it might just help her filter out some guys she’s probably already unsure of. It’s a time saving measure. However, if I was on this date I wouldn’t be excited about it. I’d want Emily to take the time to get to know me, not have her use her friends to decide whether or not I’m worthy. These guys aren’t dating her friends, they’re dating Emily. Who knows which of these girlfriends has an agenda? You know at least one of these women's husbands has a crush on Emily, right? If a woman did this to me in real life, making sure her friends approved, I’d walk.
7:34 – Okay, so maybe those Mom Interviews weren’t quite as rigorous as I anticipated. I saw a lot of bachelors dancing and doing push-ups. One guy was even forced to take his shirt off so a woman could ogle him. Emily’s girlfriends are the definition of desperate housewives.
7:36 – Bed Head Ryan interrupts Emily during her girl talk time. He tells her she better not get fat because he’d be less like to “love on her.” Finally, a guy who tells it like it is.
7:43 – Evening group date time. Sean is talking with Emily. I’m pretty sure if Sean, who's very pale, and Emily, who's very fair, had a kid, it would look like the albino from "The Princess Bride." Or former Denver Bronco linebacker Karl Mecklenburg. Or comedian Jim Gaffigan. Or Ron Weasley.
7:44 – Emily is now talking to Doug. I don’t like Doug, something about him rubs me the wrong way. He tries too hard and seems to be very calculating. Doug always has some kind of angle that makes him look sympathetic. Whether it’s his kids, his childhood or whatever, there’s just something that doesn’t add up. He’s always got an answer for everything. I’m suspicious of him. There's something Bentley-esque about him.
7:49 – Lumberjack Tony’s my favorite bachelor but he’s having a mini meltdown during his one-on-one time with Emily because he's missing his son. Unlike Doug, Tony seems totally sincere. I hope he makes it far.
7:56 – Tony is starting to lose it. If he had a connection with Emily, he probably wouldn’t feel so miserable.
7:59 – Whoa! Emily sent Tony home. Good call on her part. Emily wasn’t really feeling it with him, she basically said she’d of held onto his leg if she felt something for him, but since she wasn’t, it was better for him to go. Tony didn’t seem too broken up about it, so it looked like a good move all around.
8:02 – Sean gets the group date rose. Looks like the Mom’s Interview had some impact.
8:03 – Bed Head Ryan is talking about how confident he is about his position. I don’t like the guy. I’m not sure why. It’s either his immense ego or the five o’clock shadow he drew on with a Sharpie.
8:09 – One-on-one date time for Emily and race car driver Arie. Emily takes Arie to Dollywood. They have the entire place to themselves. I would love to have an amusement park to myself for the day just like in “Zombieland,” minus the zombies.
8:11 – Dolly Parton makes an appearance and Emily gets to “act” for the second week in a row. As if she didn’t know Dolly Parton wouldn’t show up.
8:14 – Dolly Parton’s fake boobs make Emily’s fake boobs look like A cups. It’s like seeing Jessica Rabbit sit next to Olive Oyl. It’s like seeing a hot air balloon next to a Mylar balloon. It’s like seeing a watermelon next to a tangerine. It’s like…well, you get my point.
8:15 – And I’m forced to listen to a country song for the second time this episode. If I ever meet a producer of this show, I’m going to gat shot him.
8:21 – Dinner conversation with Arie and Emily. She just doesn’t seem as into him as she does with Cute Chris. When you say the words “like” a lot during a conversation, it’s a warning sign.
8:23 – Despite what I just said, Arie gets a rose. However, I feel I’m starting to be able to read Emily. I think I can tell who she’s into and who she’s not. Sadly for Chris Harrison, Emily’s not interested.
8:31 – Emily is talking with Kalon, who is again rocking the no-sock look. Unfortunately for Kalon, the conversation doesn’t go very well. First, he keeps talking over Emily. Second, he says that he always imagined his first child would be his own. Third, he interrupts Emily by saying “I wish you’d let me finish.” Strike three, you’re out. You could say strike four was wearing no socks (it doesn't have the same impact minus the cardigan) and strike five would be that he complained about not getting a date, but either way, he’s toast.
8:34 – Travis (the guy with the ostrich egg) has Emily smash his egg. What will he do without his gimmick?!? How will Emily remember his name?
8:36 – Uh, oh. Alessandro, who’s from Brazil, is in trouble. He said being with a woman who has a child would be a “compromise.” In fairness to him, if that’s how he feels, that’s how he feels. I’m sure a big part of his reasoning is a cultural difference about being a parent. But you can’t come on this show with a single mom and stick around when you know she’s a single mom. Why even bother? I guess we now know who else is going home.
8:42 – And Alessandro is sent packing. No surprise there.
8:46 – Sean is one cool dude. He pretty much takes the completely opposite approach of Alessandro. Sean’s in my top three (along with Cute Chris and Arie), even though he and Emily shared a VERY awkward looking kiss. It looked like two camels swapping spit.
8:47 – Viewers see Chris Harrison for 2 seconds. Just sayin.
8:52 – Rose ceremony time! Only one person is going home. Emily might as well just skip to the end and give Kalon the boot. Least. Dramatic. Rose ceremony. Ever.
8:54 – Emily gives a rose to Michael. It’s the most camera time he’s been given in three weeks. I don’t know a thing about him.
8:56 – Kalon gets a rose?!? Which ABC producer told her to do that?!?
8:57 – Mathmagician Chris Harrison comes out to remind Emily that she has one rose left.
8:58 – Nate, who I swear I’ve never seen on this show before, gets a rose. This leaves DJ Stevie, Kalon’s nemesis, on the outside looking in. Maybe Stevie should head to the Jersey shore. I hear Deena’s available.
Final thoughts - I have not seen enough helicopters this season. Has the chopper budget been slashed while the private plane budget’s been raised? I’d like Chris Harrison to personally give me an explanation for this….Bed Head Ryan has an ego the size of Texas. I need to do some research on him so I can make fun of him more…I’m still (STILL!) waiting for someone to say something, anything, about Emily that’s positive that doesn’t have anything to do with her looks. After three weeks, I still haven’t heard it.