'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 3 - Gone in a New York minute
Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
Before I get to this week’s running diary I’d like to do some shameless self-promotion (Feel free to skip ahead, I won’t be offended. Or will I?). Yesterday I spoke with Radio Colorado Network’s Roger Cridlebaugh, the host of “Celebrate Colorado” which airs locally on KREL (1580 AM).
Believe it or not but we had a nice conversation about all things “The Bachelor.” That’s right, two dudes talking Bach. Roger’s wife Cindy even joined us. If you’re interested in listening to our chat you can check out the link right here. If online podcasts aren’t your thing, it’ll air on KREL sometime this weekend. When I get the details I’ll mention it on Twitter.
See, that wasn’t so bad was it? On the Self Promotion Scale, with 0 being Tom Hanks and 10 being Kim Kardashian, I’d give that a 4.
Okay, enough gibber jabber. Let’s get to tonight’s episode. Be sure to check out the links. I cannot stress enough how much flavor they add to this diary. It’s like wrapping something you really enjoy in bacon. Like steak. Or tofu. Or…bacon.
7:01 – As if on cue, we see Sean working out. Too bad his brains are in his biceps (That’s right, I’m lifting lines from the movie “Grease” now.) I thought Bowflex would be a good company for him to work for post-Bach but couldn’t you just picture Sean taking over for an aging Chuck Norris and working alongside Christie Brinkley for Total Gym? She’d drool over him like a 5-year old looking through a candy store window.
7:04 – Sean and Lesley M are on the first date of the night, a one-on-one to the Guinness Book of World Records in what looks like the seediest section of LA. I always enjoy when this show dares to go out in public and watch the people in the background. The sidewalk has been cleared about 100 feet but I still saw a dude in an Escalade looking from his car peek to see what was going on. I think he ran over Kasey’s heart when he wasn’t watching the road (That’s right, more Bach history lessons. Soak it in.).
7:05 – Holy crap! We just learned that Sean’s dad owns a Guinness World Record. No, it’s not for having the most albino children it’s for driving through the 48 contiguous states in the least amount of time – 97 hours 7 minutes. I don’t know if I’m impressed (Sammy Hagar would be) or disturbed. At least it’s not a weird record, like Furthest Eyeball Popper or Stretchiest Skin.
7:11 – Chris Harrison is in the hizzy! C-Haz (that’s what I call him) has been getting some serious airtime so far this season. Throw in co-hosting the Ms. America pageant and it looks like this rooster is ready to strut. Watch out ladies!
7:12 – Sean and Lesley M are getting ready to set a new record for the Longest On-screen Kiss in front of three cameras (I counted) and some surprisingly normal looking people. ABC producers must have dragged a lot of staffers in to make the scene look more presentable. I didn’t see one homeless guy and they are all over the place in LA.
7:16 – Sean and Lesley M break the record. It was as exciting as watching a kiss from a 1940s film – no tongue, just lips put together – and just as passionate. Yawn. I don’t know how long they went “at it” but they were told the record was 3min 15 sec. According to what I looked up the longest movie kiss (Which should be considered “on-screen,” right?) is actually 3:24 and was done by two women in the movie “Elena Undone.” Now I have this stuck in my head. Thanks Chris Harrison.
7:21 – Time for the evening portion of tonight’s date. If ABC doesn’t have some kind of product placement tie-in with Chapstick or Carmex I’d be surprised.
7:22 – 7:25 – A couple things I noticed while Sean and Lesley M chat. Lesley hardly ever blinks and whoever edits this show really likes the acoustic guitar and piano. Listen for it next time.
7:27 – As Sean gives Lesley M a rose he says the phrase “blown away” for the 10th time this season. I’m going to start keeping track of this.
Blown Away Meter: 1
7:33 – Group date time! Or as Sean probably calls it – torture. As a man who has a decent amount of dating experience I can honestly say I have a hard enough time keeping one woman happy on a date. Now Sean has 12. Good luck pal.
7:34 – Sean takes his shirt off. I need to keep track of this too.
Shirtless Meter: 1
7:35 – Like a genie Chris Harrison magically appears. It’s like he popped out of the sand and a bachelorette said, “Isn’t that Chris Harrison? How did he just mysteriously show up? And is he wearing pants and a long sleeve shirt so he doesn’t look like a pasty wimp next to Sean?” Why yes he is. The shirt is pink too.
7:37 – We find out Harrison is here to thin the herd, forcing the ladies to break into two teams of six to play beach volleyball. The winning team hangs with Sean and the losing team goes home. Now we’re talking! Women are so much more competitive than people think. I’m looking forward to seeing one of the bachelorettes throw sand in an opponent’s face like a professional wrestler.
7:39 – During the game Taryn says during a confessional that, “This volleyball game is the most important game of my life.” I guess she never played Ullamaliztli and lived in Mesoamerica in the 1500s.
7:40 – A team won. I’d tell you who but at this point there are so many long-haired pretty women that I can’t tell many of them apart.
7:49 – Time for the evening part of the date. Sean is chatting with Desiree (aka Cute Katie Holmes) and he really seems into her. We’ve seen the previews ABC. We know she has a hometown boyfriend. Just stab him in the heart already!
7:51 – Sean is now talking with Amanda who’s listed as a “Fit Model.” I didn’t know what that was so I looked it up. According to the intranet (which knows all) it’s a model that is “used by a manufacturer to give a designer a better understanding of the fit and feel of a garment.” So in other words she’s a live mannequin.
7:53 – Uh, oh. Time for some drama courtesy of Kacie. She notices that Desiree Holmes and Amanda don’t get along and now Kacie is bringing it to Sean’s attention. Why is she doing this?!? The person who brings up the drama is never looked at in a good light. Bye Kacie, you just punched your own ticket. Let me call you a limo.
7:57 – Sean gives out the group date rose to Lindsay, the substitute teacher who showed up on episode one in a wedding dress. I guess Sean likes a little Fruit Loops in his Cheerios.
8:02 – AshLee, the anal retentive personal organizer, has a one-on-one date with Sean. In a bit of foreshadowing she says, “Nothing can and will go wrong today.”
8:06 – Tierra is temporarily strapped to a stretcher like Hannibal Lecter but suddenly makes a miraculous recovery and jumps up Gabby Douglas-style. Was her spill a ploy? Is she that conniving? I sure hope so.
8:13 – 8:17 – AshLee finally gets her one-on-one date. It’s at Six Flags and it includes hanging out with two girls who are getting a wish fulfilled by the Starlight Foundation. It’s nice and all but the vibe from AshLee is so manufactured it looks like it she was made in China. I’m not saying AshLee’s fake or anything, but she comes off as real as Joan Rivers’s face.
8:18 – The Six Flags date is capped off with a private performance by the Eli Young Band. Or as I like to call them, the “Band No One Has Heard Of And Shall Never Hear From Again.” Go ahead, try and remember a band that’s been on this show before. I dare you. It's the kiss of death, like Bill Simmons predicting you'll win an NFL playoff game.
8:26 – AshLee drops some bombs on Sean during her one-on-one time with him. She was abused as a foster child and was adopted at the age of six. Sean takes it like a champ and is impressed with her resiliency. The dude even cries (wuss). I commend them both and Sean finally says something interesting about how a person can look like they’ve got it together (like AshLee does) but you don’t really know their whole story. That’s the only semi non-snarky comment I’m making this evening. Stupid show pulling at my heart strings. What’s wrong with me?!?
8:34 – Cocktail party time!
8:37 – Well, I guess we know one-armed Sarah isn’t going home (Just trying to differentiate her, not making fun. Which is soooo hard.). Sean has arranged for Sarah’s dog to drive up in a limo so she can see him. He’s not the driver of course, that would’ve been cool. Dogs are lovable but it’s not like Sarah’s dog is Toonces or anything.
8:38 – 8:44 – The cocktail party consists of a series of interruptions. Every bachelorette keeps interrupting another person’s private time with Sean. This group of women is acting like sharks at a feeding frenzy and Sean is the chum. If Tierra bites someone even I couldn’t fault her for it.
8:50 – Rose ceremony time! Personally I’d like to see Amanda (kinda weird) and Kacie (drama) go home. But of course, there’s still a couple of ladies who have received NO camera time and they’re possibilities too. I don’t know their names though. Let’s call them Buffy and Hildegard.
8:51 – What’s this? Before handing out the first rose Sean asks Kacie if he can talk to her privately (relatively speaking). What’s up with that?
8:52 – Whoa! Sean again mentions something about New York and sends Kacie packing. Didn’t see her leaving with such flare. Let this be a lesson to all future Bach contestants – 1) DON’T BE A DRAMA QUEEN and 2) when you’re in New York with a former bachelor or bachelorette contestant you have to put out.
8:55 – Amanda gets a rose and lives for another day.
8:57 – Taryn (more on her in my final thoughts) and Kristy (the Ford model from Wis-cahn-san who won the Harlequin challenge last week) get sent home.
Final thoughts – I have no idea who Sean is truly into. On every date he gives off the same vibe. Dez Holmes? Lesley M.? AshLee? He acts the same way with each of them…Who is Chris Harrison sleeping with that he’s getting so much air time this season?...I have a theory on Taryn that popped into my head on episode one. She’s a very pretty girl, so much so that I doubt she’s used to competing for a man. She said as much in episode one. Unless you put yourself out there or make yourself stand out you can’t win. She didn’t and it cost her…I’m bummed that my Shirtless and Blown Away meters finished with only 1 tally this week. Let’s pick it up Sean!
See you all next week!