'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 4 - Time to get Tierra-fied
Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
Before I get to this week’s running diary I wanted to share a link that I found courtesy of the Grantland reality TV blog (For a site run by a bunch of guys who work for ESPN, they do a great job covering reality TV. I highly recommend it.)
Check out this link to the US Weekly post “Sean Lowe: 25 Things You Don’t Know About Me.” Most of the 25 things are pretty mundane. For example:
#2 My favorite movie is “The Departed.” (Good, not great film. My fav film is “The Princess Bride”…er, I mean “Terminator 2”.)
#10 My hair was strawberry blonde when I was a kid (Considering Sean's peach colored skin I was shocked by that one.)
#18 I love indie films
Meh. Okay, fine. Pretty boring. Then we have some things that made him relatable, at least to me. For example:
#12 I played trumpet in middle school (Me too!)
#13 I frequently see movies by myself (I do that sometimes too! Maybe we can be movie buds!)
#21 I enjoy collecting watches. (So do I!)
#22 I hate going to nightclubs (Ditto! I hate being stared at like a piece of meat. My eyes are up here ladies!)
#24 I got into fitness modeling because my friend said I’d never make it. (Same here! And by fitness I mean “donut” and by modeling I mean “competitive eating”.)
So at this point you’d think Sean and I would be BFFs and get matching heart necklaces or something but you’d be wrong. First there were warning signs that Sean might be a little OCD or just plain weird. For example:
#4 I must clean my ears with Q-tips after showering. (I do this too so it doesn’t seem that odd but he italicized the word “must.” What happens if he doesn’t? Does he cry in the corner in a fetal position? Does he roid rage? I think he’s leaning into Rain Man territory.)
#5 I brush my teeth 4 times a day. (Freak. I do it twice if I’m lucky. A week. You brush that often and your teeth will be nubs by the time you’re 40, Sean.)
#6 I am the world’s greatest recorder player (I’m a full on nerd and even I find that too nerdy.)
#11 I eat 18 egg whites a day. (How is that humanly possible? Are egg whites all Sean eats? If so, what does his poop look like?)
Then there’s the items that make me question what kind of guy I’m dealing with. Things that may require his Man Card to get revoked. And yes ladies, we really are issued Man Cards. Ask any man. We can’t show them to you, only other men can see them but take my word for it. Here are some examples of what I mean:
#8 I love John Mayer (This is a sign Sean may be a douche.)
#15 My mother’s meatloaf is the best (Wrong jerk! My mother’s is!)
And finally this gem:
#19 I own a bag and furniture company called The Factory Girl.
My head almost spun around Linda Blair-style when I read that. Granted, he’s the co-owner with a brother (who he’s good friends with) and a sister so maybe he’s just an investor. Or maybe not. According to what I read on the site, he’s heavily involved in the business. This is either pure genius on his part (a hunky guy plying money from women who find him appealing) or it could be something else.
Why don’t you read the title of this post on The Factory Girl website (note the company logo) and look at the accompanying picture and make up your own mind. Not that there’s anything wrong with either.
Phew, that was the longest intro in Bachelor Running Diary history. Chris Harrison told me so which means it must be true because he’d NEVER exaggerate. Okay, enough chit chat. Let’s get to tonight’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:01 – The show starts without a montage of a Sean workout. Women across America let out a united depressed sigh.
7:03 – Selma has the first date of the night, a one-on-one with Sean. Selma is very, um, top heavy. You noticed it too, don't lie. I will now spend the entirety of the date trying to determine if she is "enhanced" or not. By the way, don’t act like you won’t be doing the same.
7:06 – According to Selma the date is, “beyond anything I’ve ever imagined. This meets and exceeds my expectations. I couldn’t have imagined a more perfect date.” Selma is still on the private plane with Sean. She doesn’t even know where they’re going yet! I’m not saying she’s a gold digger, but when she whines about the heat when she gets off the plane it’s a bad sign.
7:12 – Ugh! Selma is a complete turn off. Sean is taking her rock climbing and she’s whining and complaining the entire time. I’ve been rock climbing before and what she’s climbing is not that challenging yet Selma is grunting like Monica Seles at the U.S Open.
7:14 – Selma reaches the top of the rock she was climbing and feels a sense of accomplishment usually reserved for Olympic athletes. I guess when you’re a wimpy city girl whose usual shoe of choice is a six-inch heel you get excited about little things.
7:22 – We find out that Selma’s family is from Baghdad and she was raised Muslim. When it comes to kiss time Sean gets shot down. That has to do with her strict upbringing and her culture. I can totally respect that but on a show like “The Bachelor” where spit swapping is the norm, this may be a big hurdle in her advancement. She even says that she won’t kiss Sean until he’s her “only lady.” Say what?!? You’ll show the world everything upstairs but won’t give a dude a peck on the lips. That sounds a bit contradictory.
7:26 – Sean gives Selma a rose on their date. Selma is not a good fit for Sean. Sure, she’s pretty and she’s playing the hard to get card (and we all know that men are attracted to what they can’t have) but she’s too prissy and seems to like a ritzy lifestyle. However, because she’s got the “mysterious girl” act down Sean just can’t realize that they probably aren’t a good fit so she’ll stay longer than she should. Why Sean didn’t pick up on this is beyond me, but I can think of two very large reasons.
7:31 – Group date time! Looking forward to seeing women compete against each other and seeing someone get their feelings and/or body hurt.
7:33 – The ladies will battle it out in a roller derby. This actually may be funny. Amanda cleverly says she’s done roller derby before when she really hasn't to get into the other team’s head. She’s the Sun Tzu of this season. The other ladies better keep their eye on her.
7:34 – We see a montage of many of the bachelorettes falling. These girls would get crushed by the Derby Dames.
7:43 – Amanda biffs it and may have broken her jaw. Scared that he could injure someone he actually may be interested in Sean decides to change the derby into a free skate. Appropriately a Journey song (Oops, it was “Foolish Heart” by Steve Perry. Good luck getting the song out of your head the rest of the day.) plays while everyone skates. There’s no limbo contest though.
7:50 – The evening part of the date has begun - cocktails on the roof of a building in downtown LA. Hopefully nobody gets too close to the edge otherwise Tierra might “accidentally” push them off.
7:52 – Amanda returns and is totally fine. Considering that the jawbone is the hardest bone in the human body (According to the internet, I’m not a doctor despite the white robe and stethosicope I usually wear.) I’m not surprised. Meanwhile Amanda is Sun Tzuing again and is milking her injury for all it’s worth. She’s working hard for the rose.
7:55 – The Tierra Show just started. The woman is having a meltdown based on a perceived slight from Robyn and is losing it. We see her talking to a producer (I’m assuming it's a producer since Sean is busy making out with substitute teacher Lindsay while Tierra rants.) acting like she’s being treated like a Gitmo detainee. Tierra sounds a lot of that Leave Britney Alone! weirdo (Warning: NSFW).
7:57 – Wow! Tierra snipes Sean from Lindsay as he was headed to a hot tub. Talk about a buzz kill. Now he has to listen to Tierra whine about leaving when all she wants is for him to talk her into staying. If she wanted to leave, she’d of left.
7:59 – Ooh, Sean gets all smooth and shows some game and says to Tierra, “You know what I know? You like me and want to spend more time with me. I can tell by the way you look at me.” Oh snap! You just got played, sucker.
8:01 – Or maybe not. Looks like Sean is the one who got played as he stupidly gives Tierra the group date rose. What. A. Complete. Moron. Tierra went fishing for attention and like an idiot Sean fell for it. The rest of the women are seething and rightfully so. However, they’re mad for the wrong reasons. They’re mad at Tierra for being manipulative but they should really be mad at Sean for letting himself get yanked around. What a dope.
8:06 – Time for a solo date. Leslie H. and Sean begin a one-on-one date by shopping on Rodeo Drive. Sean mentions how every woman talks about the movie “Pretty Woman” and the shopping scene with Richard Gere. Um, yeah. I’m pretty sure it’s not every woman’s fantasy is to be a prostitute that lands the middle aged rich guy.
8:11 – The shopping spree ends with a Neil Lane necklace that has 120 karats of diamonds. I don’t know what that means but it looked fancy. I hope Leslie knows that these “gifts” have to be returned when the date is over.
8:18 – Sean tells Leslie that she doesn’t get to keep the necklace but she can keep her new earrings that she was given with her pre-date card. Little does Leslie know the earrings came from a Claire’s at the nearest mall.
8:23 – During the dinner portion of the date Sean gets real with Leslie and tells her that he can’t give her the rose because he just wasn’t feeling it romantically. I guess she was missing that "drama gene" that Tierra has so many of and Sean is attracted to. My favorite part is the awkward moment where Leslie had to return the 120 karat necklace. Can you imagine if that happened on a real date?
8:25 – And we have our first Mesnick of the season! (For those of you who aren’t long time readers of this column (for shame!), a “Mesnick” is named after the infamously fair weathered Bachelor Jason Mesnick. You may remember that on the final episode of his season that he was having such a hard time choosing between the final two women that he was seen crying while leaning over a glass balcony. I dare you not to laugh at that pic.) We now see Sean leaning over a balcony looking melancholy and holding a rose as he’s forced to listen to some no name recording artist sing and play the acoustic guitar. It’s really a Half Mesnick since Sean isn’t close to crying but I’ll take it.
8:31 – Cocktail party time! Time for women without roses to scramble like tributes at the start of the “Hunger Games!”
8:31 – 8:38 – Time for the Tierra Show Part 2. Here’s a short summary - Tierra talked trash about Robyn to Amanda like Robyn actually did something wrong to her on the group date, Tierra walked around with the rose like it was an M16, Tierra talked to Robyn and Jackie trying to rationalize her craziness when really she was trying to manipulate them into thinking she was sane, Tierra said to the camera “I came here to win this”, and then Tierra stabbed Robyn in the hand with a letter opener and screamed at her, “Stay away from man!” Okay, I made that last one up but she was getting close to it.
8:43 – Ha! Catherine called Tierra, “Tierrible”. I wish I’d of thought of that first. Maybe I can copyright it and make some money off of t-shirts or something.
8:52 – Rose ceremony time! Chris "I'm a peacock you gotta let me fly" Harrison (Warning: NSFW) makes only his second appearance of the night so he can remind the ladies of the importance of this sacred ritual. Thank the maker he’s around to explain all of this. I don’t know what this guy gets paid but it’s not enough.
8:56 – Math genius Chris Harrison, a descendent of Archimedes, comes out to remind everyone that there’s one rose left.
8:57 – Amanda gets sent home. And only Amanda. If busting your chin and working some ancient Chinese philosophy can’t get you a rose, what will?
Final thoughts – I’ve been thinking all night of a nickname for Tierra and I finally have it – Toxic Tierra…I know all “reality” shows have a bit of structure courtesy of producers but could Sean have possibly been told to keep Tierra around? Is that possible?...According to the preview for next week we AGAIN see Tierra require medical attention. Someone just can’t get enough of the spotlight…Next week there are TWO (2!) episodes of “The Bachelor” on two separate days. I don’t know how if my liver can handle that.
See you all next week!
You can follow Gazette Media Columnist Terry Terrones on Twitter at twitter.com/terryterrones.