'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 5 Part 1 - The Puppet Master

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.” 

But wait! There are actually two episodes of Bach this week. That’s right, two! One show Monday night and one Tuesday. Evidently ABC has to hurry this series along so they can get a new season of “Wipeout” in early. 

I’m completely guessing about that of course. A more likely scenario is that viewers find Sean so boring that ABC is looking to speed up the “dating” process. Admit it, Sean’s a bit of a snoozer. He’s so dull he makes Sleepy from the Seven Dwarves look like a Red Bull addict. Sure, he’s good looking and eats enough egg whites to feed a small army but when it comes to personality he’s in a deficit situation. 

And yes ladies, I can already hear you saying, “He can be boring as long as I get to do what I want with him.” Okay, I get that. Guys probably say the same thing about Brooklyn Decker or Rihanna or Joan Rivers. But, like the old saying goes – no matter how attractive someone is there is somebody somewhere tired of their crap, that’s why they’re single. 

I only bring this up because I find that Sean’s lack of personality makes his dating process uninteresting. Thankfully we have a house full of crazy women to provide entertainment. 

Before I get to tonight’s Bachelor episode I wanted to discuss the Super Bowl. Not the game, the commercials. What the heck has happened to the world of advertising? Where are today’s Don Drapers?!? Suddenly the football game is more interesting than the commercials. What’s up with that?!? 

While I loved the “Fast and Furious 6” and the “Star Trek: Into Darkness” trailers I don’t really consider those commercials. My top three favorite commercial commercials were Deion Sanders pretending to be Leon Sandcastle for the NFL Network, the Skechers ad with a guy running down a cheetah, and the Baby Clydesdale commercial. 

The first two I liked because they were funny, the Clydesdale spot hit me in my heart that’s two sizes too small. Stupid animals making me get all emotional. I hate that. 

Okay, enough rambling. Let’s get to tonight’s episode. As usual, be sure to check out the flavor filling links. Oh wait, one last thing. If you’re looking for some good TV shows to catch up on be sure to check out my column that ran in last Friday’s Gazette called “Five TV Shows to Catch Up On.” Yes, I came up with that title myself. 

7:01 – We’re down to 11 women. Of course we know Toxic Tierra will be around tomorrow because we’ve seen the preview for Tuesday’s episode at the start of tonight’s episode. ABC is its own worst spoiler.   

7:02 – The ladies seem underwhelmed that they’re going to Montana as the show begins to hit the road. My guess is that only 6 of these 11 women could actually find Montana on a map. And maybe 8 of the 11 could spell the state correctly.

7:05 – Lindsay gets a one-on-one date with Sean. In case you forgot she’s the substitute teacher who showed up on episode one in a wedding dress. She also was the woman who got sniped last week by Toxic Tierra as she was heading for the hot tub with Sean. I’m not exactly sure what he sees in her besides someone to consistently suck face with (they are ALWAYS kissing) but maybe today we’ll see if there’s more to her than a pair of lips and an overwhelming desire to scare the crap out of a single guy about marriage. 

7:10 – Sean and Lindsay are in a cabin, sitting near a fire, drinking Big Gulps of wine. The liquor budget for this show must be the same as the U.S. Defense budget. 

7:12 – Titillating conversation between Sean and Linday. It went something like this: 

Sean: I’m really happy you’re here.

Lindsay: Me too.

Sean: Tell me more about your life growing up.

Lindsay: Being an army brat sucked. My dad was gone a lot.

(Awkward pause since neither of them are smart enough to carry a conversation any further.)

Sean: Shall I jam my tongue down your throat again?

Lindsay: Yes please. 

7:14 – After we find out who is going on the group date (everyone but Jackie and Toxic Tierra) we’re back with the most boring couple on the planet. For some reason Sean gives Lindsay a rose. Her tongue must be some kind of contortionist because Sean seems to be impressed with Lindsay for no reason whatsoever. 

7:16 – Ah geez, here we go again. Saying he has a surprise for her, Sean drags Lindsay to downtown Whitefish, Montana (Pop. 6,357) so yet another no named singer can serenade a random couple in front of a small town. Who’s the booking agent for this show?!? Can’t we get some "name" talent out here?!? You know Sugar Ray is available. So are Psy and Gotye and Vanilla Ice. 

7:17 – The no name singer named the state we’re in! Let’s cheer! 

7:18 – Check out this tasty lyric I was just subjected to, “I want to be your bad habit. A bad habit that’s too hard to break.” Allow me to translate – “I’m not good for you but I’m going to latch onto you like a sucker fish until I make you wish you were never born.” Are we sure Toxic Tierra didn’t write this song? 

7:24 – Group date time! This naturally means some kind of embarrassing competition.  Today it involves a series of outdoorsy events including goat milking, canoeing, log sawing, hay bale carrying, and constructing a Tuff Shed. Okay, I made that last one up but you get the point. 

7:29 – The ladies, who were split into two teams of four, finish the competition. One armed Sarah, Desi, Robyn and Selma (with her two large friends) win and get to go out on a date with Sean. Meanwhile the losing team gets to go home, drink liters of wine, and complain about not being able to spend time with a good looking guy who is really boring. 

7:35 – Uh oh. Chris Harrison makes his third appearance of the evening. C-Haz (that’s what I like to call him) is sporting a little bit of stubble while he visits the ladies hotel room. Looks like someone is hoping to pick up some of Snoozy Sean’s scraps. 

7:36 – Rule breaker Sean has thrown caution to the wind. The losing team from today’s group date is told by C-Haz that Sean wants them to come hang out anyway, despite the fact that they’re giant losers. Sean is insane! He’s breaking all the traditional Bachelor rules. Someone needs to rein this stallion in before he breaks a hole in the time-space continuum. 

7:38 – The winning team is not happy about sharing Sean with the losing team. Thank the maker Toxic Tierra wasn’t involved. She’d have flipped out, broken a wine bottle over a counter and stabbed Sean in the heart. 

7:39 – Selma just referred to herself in the third person! I KNEW she had a giant ego. Now we finally see it. Selma is ticked about being forced to put up with the losing team being invited over and said, “When Selma gets angry, Selma gets angry.” If she turns into the Hulk this series will improve by leaps and bounds. Personally, I’d like for Selma to start referring to herself this way more often. She should say things like, “When Selma goes jogging, Selma gets black eyes.” Or, “When Selma likes a guy, Selma refuses to kiss him and uses religion as an excuse to lead a guy on.” Or, “When Selma goes rock climbing, Selma likes to whine like a three year old being told by her parents to brush her teeth”. 

7:45 – Holy crap. Toxic Tierra, who has absolutely NO boundaries, sneaks up on Sean like a Navy Seal and ambushes him during a confessional interview. She literally covers his eyes with her hands from behind. He was probably thinking it was Chris Harrison again and was getting ready for another uncomfortable discussion. 

7:47 – And of course, the conversation between Toxic Tierra and Sean is dominated by Tierra. She doesn’t let the guy get in one word. Best of all, she uses my favorite phrase, “a slap in the face” in describing being forced to go on a two-on-one date. I wish Sean would give her a real face slap so she could use those words with some context but that would be wrong. Either way, if he doesn’t see now that he has a nut job on his hands Sean’s an idiot. Where does she get off dropping guilt on the dude while he’s on a group date?!? Does she think she’s the star of this show? She does know this isn’t “The Bachelorette,” right? 

7:53 – Now we see No Camera Time Daniella crying in Desi’s arms because she isn’t getting time with Sean. To quote my boy C-Haz, this is the most emotional group date in Bachelor history. 

7:55 – Sean placates Daniella by telling her that she’s special (she’s not) and by giving her some lip action. Oh yeah, she also gets the group date rose. Is Sean attracted to drama queens? 

8:00 – Two-on-one date time! I always like these, it reminds me of the movie “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” - Two women enter, one woman leaves. Either Toxic Tierra or Jackie is going home. But thanks to some crummy ABC editing we already know it’s Jackie.

8:02 – For the third time in the last 10 minutes I’ve had to listen to Toxic Tierra say, “Jackie doesn’t know she’s on a date with me and my husband.” This is followed by Tierra cackling like the Wicked Witch of the West. If I’m Jackie and watching this after the fact I’m hiring someone to randomly club Tierra in the knee Tonya Harding-style right before the Reunion Show. 

8:04 – Jackie is trying hard to throw Toxic Tierra under the bus, mentioning to Sean during some one-on-one time that Tierra is flirty and even flirted with some random guy at the airport. He doesn’t seem to be that interested in Jackie but they smooch anyway. Is it a goodbye kiss? 

8:09 – Oh goody! Time for the super awkward evening portion of a two-on-one date. I think he should send them both home. 

8:12 – Toxic Tierra gets some one-on-one time with Sean and plays the “I had a boyfriend who I loved dearly but died” card. This woman is a pro. She even manages a fake tear. Game. Set. Match. Jackie isn’t on the same playing field as Tierra. 

8:14 – Toxic Tierra gets the rose and Jackie gets the boot. Tierra’s BS story about the dead boyfriend worked like a charm. Next she’ll tell Sean about the time she got sucked into a tornado and ended up in Oz and Sean will believe that too. 

8:23 – Cocktail party time! The mood is intense and 99% of that is due to the vitriol directed at Tierra. Desi has caught on to what seems to be Sean’s kryptonite, a woman in distress. She’s smart, but can she out Jedi mind trick Tierra? Doubtful. 

8:28 – Tierra isolates herself, much to the angst of the rest of the group who are tired of her antics. Robyn and Lesley make the mistake of trying to have a rational conversation with Tierra about her actions and it doesn’t go well. It was like watching a tuna try to reason with a shark. 

8:29 – And now Tierra has referred to herself in the third person! Tierra then goes on to project what she feels about herself onto the other women who’ve now gathered in the room, calling them insecure, saying they are threatened by her and telling them that she doesn’t care what people think. No one’s buying that sister. 

8:34 – Sean walks right by as Tierra is in full on Nut Job mode with Robyn. He pulls her aside and wants to know what’s going on. She gives him some lame song and dance but because Tierra’s flustered it feels forced. Yo Sean, if someone has to tell you how nice a person they are or how drama free they are, they’re LYING.

8:37 – Sean pulls Lesley aside and flat out asks her what the deal is with Tierra. To her credit, Lesley is tactful and states the obvious – Tierra is a psycho hose beast and really doesn’t belong. I can understand Sean’s frustration. He’s asking the women for information but isn’t getting any. Conversely, the women are stuck too. No one wants to be a rat. 

8:46 – Sean has a chat with Chris Harrison. Sean is really frustrated and he’s starting to wonder if his wife is really in this group of women. I can ease your mind Sean. NO, she’s not. 

8:51 – Final rose ceremony time. I have no idea who’s going home. This series has turned into the Tierra Show and every other woman means nothing. 

8:54 – M.I.T graduate and Will Hunting’s tutor (Warning: NSFW) Chris Harrison has come out to remind Sean that one rose remains. 

8:55 – And Robyn gets sent home.  

Final thoughts – The editing on this show is great. Everything mean that Tierra says is aired and she laughs like a hyena at inappropriate times. Tierra is even shown saying crazy things like, “I wish I was a fighter. I would beat the S$&% out of these B&@#$.” If there’s a bigger villain in this franchises history I can’t remember it…Can we please retire the saying, “at the end of the day”? It’s so overused…If you’re Robyn and get booted, why not lay it all on the table regarding Tierra?...Based on the preview we saw at the end of the show, Tierra isn’t going anywhere anytime soon.

See you tomorrow!