'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 5 Part Deux - Tierra 2 Electric Boogaloo
Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
Wait a minute, didn’t I just say that yesterday? I did! Tuesday was a bonus Bach episode and that means you get a bonus Bach running diary. That’s right, two diaries for the price of one! And you didn’t even have to use a coupon.
Sadly, I don’t have much of a lede for this latest recap. I was having nightmares of Toxic Tierra laughing at me like Dr. Evil after extorting $100 million from the U.S. government and had a hard time concentrating on an intro.
Let’s get to tonight’s episode. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
8:02 – For the second episode in a row Sean is not shown working out. He’s going to look like Louie CK at the end of the season if he isn’t careful.
8:03 – The ladies and Sean are now in Canada or as I like to call it, America’s Hat.
8:05 – Catherine has “earned” a one-on-one date with Sean. He picks her up in a giant monster truck-like snow bus (it sorta looks like this) and is driving along a glacier. For the first time this season I am jealous of Sean.
8:11 – After rolling around on a glacier Catherine and Sean have the evening portion of their date. I’m REALLY not looking forward to another serenade from a no name band. I think I’ll make up the name of a fictional band instead, let’s call them The Max Power Experience. I came up with the name by looking at my hair dryer.
8:12 – I’m not going to lie, Sean’s date with Catherine is pretty cool - hanging out on a glacier, having drinks in an ice castle with snow falling. That sounds so cool and I’m a sucker for anything set in snow. I don’t care if it’s a movie, a TV show or a video game, if it’s set in snow I love it. Wait, why am I telling you this?!? Am I opening up to all of you? Am I actually here for the right reasons?!? Nah.
8:15 – Holy cow! Catherine tells a crazy story about watching a friend of hers get killed by a falling tree while at a youth camp when she was 12. Weird. The lesson to be learned is, if a tree falls in the woods, it’s likely trying to fall on a school aged child.
8:16 – Catherine gets a rose. She and Sean look very happy and I’m sure they will be, just as long as he never takes Catherine to Muir Woods.
8:22 – Group date time! Sean provides some foreshadowing by saying, “Last week was full of drama. I don’t want to go through that again.” That’s Tierra’s cue to come up with something stupid to do.
8:24 – The ladies and Sean are canoeing across Lake Louise. Lesley gets Sean all to herself in a canoe while the other ladies paddle together. Double D Selma, not happy about this arrangement, shows her Mensa qualifications by mentioning how she wanted “a shark to come out of the lake and eat their (Sean and Lesley's) boat”. To recap, Selma wanted a shark to come out of a lake in the middle of the Canadian Rockies. Ruminate on that for a moment.
8:26 – After the canoe ride Sean announces that he’s going to try and turn the women into popsicles by forcing them all to make the Lake Louise Polar Bear Plunge, meaning they have to jump into the glacier fed lake in a bikini. I guess Sean didn’t learn his lesson during the roller derby fiasco a few episodes ago and this time instead of getting someone’s jaw broken wants to see someone drown.
8:31 – Some of the women are balking at participating in jumping in icy cold water. Double D Selma, who gets prissier by the episode, uses her Baghdad ancestry as an excuse, stating that people from warmer climes are not adept at such things. AshLee is also nervous about taking the plunge, most likely because she’s not sure how a drastic temperature change will affect her breast implants.
8:35 – Everyone jumps in and seems to have enjoyed the experience, except one certain someone. Yep, it’s Tierra who is convulsing like a backup dancer from “Breakin’ 2: Electric Boogaloo”. Sean’s worried she has hypothermia. Ha! Tierra is built like an East German shot putter, the woman is well insulated.
8:41 - Toxic Tierra, whose makeup has run badly and looks a bit like Tammy Faye Baker at the moment, is getting more attention than the President after an assassination attempt. And I thought Mariah Carey was a diva.
8:44 – Meanwhile the other women who also jumped in the lake are squealing with delight, proud of themselves for their accomplishment. They join Desi and Catherine in their suite and share their tale of how fun the experience was.
8:45 – And now we see Tierra putting an oxygen mask on her own nose. Of course, this was after we watched someone put socks on Tierra because she couldn’t do it herself. This woman is absurd.
8:51 – Time for the evening part of the group date. Tierra is recovering from her serious injury and is nowhere to be found, much to the glee of every other woman. (Hello foreshadowing)
8:54 – What the heck happened? This has suddenly turned into a real date. Sean spends time with Lesley and One Armed Sarah and it comes across as sincere and genuine. What the heck is going on here?!? I don’t want real relationships in my reality show!
8:57 – And here comes the drama. Tierra, who evidently has the healing powers of Wolverine, miraculously shows up to the group date. All of the other women are in shock. Tierra is the Stephen Hawking of “The Bachelor”, significantly smarter than anyone else.
8:58 – Says Sean to Tierra, “You’re hands are so warm.” Replies Tierra, “But my body is so cold.” Another Jedi mind trick completed.
9:00 – Sean is again sucking face with Lindsay. I’m pretty sure they didn’t talk at all.
9:01 – Lesley, not Tierra, gets the group date rose. Naturally Tierra doesn’t think that’s fair because…well, because she’s a GIANT egomaniac. The woman really needs Dr. Drew or someone to set her straight.
9:05 – Uh oh. Sean is going to get rid of Sarah. Sarah mentioned during their one-on-one time that she hoped Sean would get to meet her family and that must have freaked him out. He doesn’t want to waste her time and is heading to the women’s hotel room to talk to her. Yikes.
9:07 – And in an awkward conversation, Sean gives Sarah the boot. This was very poorly handled by Sean. In fact, it really made him look like an ass. Why single out Sarah like this? He just embarrassed her by doing it this way. What he should have done is just not given her a rose at the next rose ceremony. Instead he gets rid of her when he doesn’t need to. I feel bad for Sarah, she deserved to exit better than this. I will now get off my high horse.
9:15 – Desi (aka Cute Katie Holmes) and Sean begin their second one-on-one date of the season. Because of ABC’s crappy spoilers we already know she gets a rose. Unless, of course, her hometown boyfriend shows up sometime during this date.
9:20 – Sean and Desi are repelling down a rock. I kept waiting for a third line to drop and Tierra to suddenly show up but surprisingly it didn’t happen.
9:22 – 9:32 – I’m sorry but I fell asleep during this time. Desi and Sean’s date was so boring it knocked me out. All I can remember is that Desi lived in a tent for a while, she got a rose, and that Desi was once a member of the militant wing of the Salvation Army. Or at least I think that's what happened, my memory’s a bit hazy.
9:38 – Cocktail party time! Toxic Tierra doesn’t have a rose, that means she’s probably desperate enough to spike everyone’s drink with arsenic so don’t be surprised if we end up with a pile of dead women in prom dresses at the end of tonight’s show.
9:40 – Sensing the desperation in the air, Double D Selma (who’s listed at 29 but looks more like 39) gives Sean a peck on the lips much to the chagrin of her Muslim mother. Shocking! She has shamed her culture and should probably never leave the U.S.
9:46 – Wow, Chris Harrison brings the cocktail party to a close and we don’t see Sean getting any one-on-one time with Tierra. Is she going home this week? No way.
9:50 – Final rose ceremony time. Sean has three roses to pass out and two women are being sent home. No Camera Time Daniella is an obvious choice. Toxic Tierra makes sense but I think AshLee, who has some serious trust issues and seems anal-retentive, is going home.
9:53 – Never mind. AshLee gets a rose.
9:53 – A descendant of Copernicus, Chris Harrison reminds Sean that 3-2=1 and that he has one rose left to pass out.
9:54 – And Tierra gets the last rose. No Camera Time Daniella and Double D Selma are sent packing. I guess that peck on the lips wasn’t enough Selma. After playing tonsil hockey with Lindsay so many times, pecks just don’t cut it.
Final thoughts – There are some shows I could literally watch every day of the week. For example, I never get sick of “Survivor” or “Arrow” or “The Walking Dead”. “The Bachelor” is not one of those shows. I feel like I need some kind of séance to get all the Chris Harrison I’ve had to deal with the last few days out of my system…I really like Lesley, she’s my favorite. She seems funny and real and honest. I’m going to call my bookie and put money on her to win…I can’t tell you how much I’m looking forward to seeing all the damage Tierra does on “Bachelor Pad” when it returns…Are there any women on this show who didn’t have some kind of tragedy in their life? Granted, no one’s life is perfect but it sure seems like ABC went out of its way to find single women with messed up childhoods…Anyone want to take odds on what way Tierra will fake hurt herself next? I seriously wouldn’t put it past her to chop one of her own fingers off.
See you next week!
You can follow Gazette Media Columnist Terry Terrones on Twitter at twitter.com/terryterrones.