'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 6 - The witch is dead
Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”
Things are getting serious with the hometown dates next week and Sean really has to start weeding out the women to find who can actually contend. So, let’s look at each lady in reverse order from least likely to most likely to stick around.
6. Toxic Tierra – If she doesn’t go home today I’d be surprised. I don’t even really think Sean likes her that much at this point, otherwise he’d have given her a rose last week when she acted like she was allergic to cold water. You just know the producers told him to keep her around a bit longer because she’s good TV. Let’s look at this realistically.
If I’m the Bachelor, chances are I already have my selections narrowed down to two at this point anyway, its just biology. Unless you’re Hugh Hefner or Mick Jagger this many women can’t possibly be easy to handle. Your brain just starts eliminating people on its own. So if a producer says, “Hey Sean, we know you find Tierra and that weird dent on her forehead unappealing but do you mind letting her stick around? The other women are getting along like they’re sorority sisters and this show will start to suck when she leaves.” Why wouldn’t he say yes if he already has his top picks chosen?
5. Hot Lips Lindsay – I think I’ve heard Sean say three words to Lindsay all season. He’s too busy sticking his tongue down her throat to let her say utter a peep so I don’t think they have anything but physical chemistry. That and she’s a general’s daughter. No guy wants to have to deal with an overly powerful father figure, especially one in the military. If he ticks Lindsay off bad enough Sean will end up in Gitmo with a wet towel on his face and a bucket of water poured over his head like he’s being interrogated on “Homeland.”
4. AshLee – There’s something not quite right with this girl. She’s had a very rough childhood and the fact that she’s a personal organizer leads me to believe she has control issues. She also seems to make small gestures from Sean sound like they’re much more significant than they really are. AshLee scares me. She looks normal but I have a feeling there’s a bunny boiler in there somewhere.
3. Lesley M. – I really like Lesley, she’s the person I’m most attracted too but I don’t really think she’s Sean’s type. She’s too smart. As this season draws to a close she’ll start to realize she’s nuts for being on this show and get cold feet.
2. Catherine – I don’t feel like I know Catherine as well as the other five women in this group but she comes across as sweet and very likable. Because she’s my biggest wildcard I’m not really sure where to rank her but I think she’s got a good chance to go far because of some of the issues the other women have.
1. Desiree (AKA Cute Katie Holmes) – Desi is the total package – she’s pretty, has a good sense of humor, seems into Sean but not too into Sean and appears to get along with all of the other women. Oh, and according to her bio her hometown is Northglenn, CO so I have a rooting interest in her. Of course, she does have the hometown boyfriend who, logically, looks like we’ll see on the hometown date. I CANNOT wait to see that.
One final note, there will be NO Bachelor Running Diary next week (2/19). Sorry. Next Monday is President’s Day and I always take that day off to celebrate my favorite president, Gerald Ford. I’m just kidding, I’m taking advantage of the long weekend to go on a snowboarding trip (pray for me, I’m not that good). But I’ll be back stronger than ever (barring injury) the following Tuesday morning (2/26).
If you like reading my stuff (here comes a shameless plug) you might also enjoy my Academy Awards preview which runs in The Gazette on Friday 2/22. I worked on it with Kimball Bayles who (surprise!) owns the Kimball Theater downtown.
Okay, enough chit chat. Let’s get rolling. As usual, please be sure to check out the flavor filling links.
7:01 – Um, yeah. Forget everything you just read about the women above. We were just treated to a Tierra filled preview that sure makes it seem like Sean is going to keep her around. If I was David Banner, I’d be chomping Prozac like tic tacs to calm down, that’s how angry I’m starting to get over the Tierra situation.
7:02 – The ladies and Sean land in St. Croix, yet another place none of the bachelorettes can find on a map or spell correctly.
7:03 – Ever the diva, Tierra grabs a pull out bed and places it in a sitting area in the ladies hotel room so she can have her own space. If anyone ever pulls the pacifier from Tierra’s mouth, there will be hell to pay.
7:06 – AshLee’s getting scarier by the minute. She’s in genuine tears about her abandonment issues and seems to be pinning her entire existence on Sean. Warning! We have a Stage Five Clinger!
7:14 – Tierra will make someone a great first wife. And by "great" I mean she’s going to cost some poor sap a fortune in alimony payments. So far Tierra has not only has ragged on AshLee’s age (32) but now she gets exactly what she wants, an individual date with Sean walking around the town of St. Croix, and is complaining about the heat and how it will ruin her makeup. America, say hello to TV’s newest villain – Tierra! Lex Luthor has nothing on this chick.
7:17 – Whoa, AshLee just dropped a bombshell on Sean. She got married at age 17, as a JUNIOR in high school. That’s really not as bad as I thought though. AshLee kept dragging her bad news out at first, making me think she had an abortion or herpes or vestigial tail. Still, this plus her existing issues give AshLee enough baggage to fill a U-Haul truck.
7:25 – Time for Tierra’s one-on-one date. I’m bracing myself for a lot of whining and fake smiles.
7:27 – After Sean takes Tierra shopping (which she naturally loved) a parade just so happened to come down the street. I call BS on this! This is another set up by ABC producers! Admit it!
7:29 – Sean finally gets semi-serious and questions Tierra about what’s going on at the house with the other women. She blames any issues on the jealousy of her winning the first rose on episode one. Tierra even flat out lies and tells Sean how she tries to get along with the other women but they just do their own thing. Tierra’s such a good liar I’m starting to think she actually believes what she’s saying.
7:36 – The evening portion of Sean and Tierra’s date is not going well. The bug AshLee put in Sean’s ear is working.
7:37 – No it’s not. Tierra is so manipulative that she’s managed to convince Sean that while she may not get along with the other women that she’s there for the right reasons. Forget Jennifer Lawrence, the Best Actress Oscar should go to Tierra. She’s so smooth that after seeing what Sean sees even I can’t really blame him for falling for it.
7:42 – Sean pulls another one of his douchey moves, coming into the women’s hotel room and waking up Desi, Catherine and Lindsay at 4 in the morning for their group date and takes pictures of them without makeup. All these women are hot and under 30, is this really going to tell you anything? If you had to get up early for your date, fine. But Polaroids? Really? Sean, you’re like school in the summertime. No class.
7:43 – 7:51 – The group date consists of Sean and his three ladies driving from one end of St. Croix to the other. They got up early to see the sunrise on one side of the island and head over to the other side for sunset. As far as Bach dates go, it’s pretty unique. Cute Katie Holmes has brought her A game, taking up most of Sean’s time and Lindsay and Catherine are caught off guard by that. Looks like some people forgot this was a competition. Oops.
7:55 – Sean spends one-on-one time with Hot Lips Lindsay. They talk for 55.5 seconds until they start kissing. I’m not joking! I timed it on my iPhone. The conversation goes well. I think Lindsay is moving on.
7:57 – Sean is now spending one-on-one time with Catherine. This chat has a much darker tone. She tells Sean about her issues with her dad (Surprise!). I think this was bad timing on Catherine’s part. She should have mentioned this earlier.
7:59 – Back at the hotel we see Lesley and AshLee sitting on a patio badmouthing Tierra. Tierra, naturally, is just inside the patio door hearing the entire conversation. How did Tierra know to sit there? An ABC producer perhaps?
8:01 – Now Desi has one-on-one time with Sean. It goes okay but she cries for different reasons, because she actually LIKES her family. Freak!
8:02 – Lindsay gets the group date rose. I thought Desi, who had really put forth a strong effort during the entire date, was a shoe in. I guess those 55.5 seconds of conversation really paid off.
8:08 – Time for Lesley and her one-on-one. There are some bad signs already. She really seems into him but Sean’s giving clues that he’s not as into her as I thought.
8:11 – Things just got awkward. Lesley and Sean seem stuck in the Friend Zone. He’s looking for a more intimate connection with her but she’s either moving too slow or is too guarded. What a bummer, Lesley is such an interesting woman but is playing this poorly. She’s treating this experience like it’s a real relationship and it’s going to cost her.
8:19 – What the heck? Sean’s sister Shay just showed up. Was this in his contract with ABC? Did his sister get to bring her family? I need to know these things when I sign up my brother for this show. I want to know if I can get a free trip to an exotic locale out of it.
8:21 – And the AshLee vs Tierra battle is on. Tierra rags on AshLee about her age, her character, how great Tierra is and then immediately ends the conversation with a little viper hand gesture like the one Donald Trump makes when he fires someone on “The Apprentice.” No wait, this conversation isn't ending, it's just getting started.
My favorite lines from Tierra during this crazy argument:
“I can’t control my eyebrow.”
“My parents told me that I had a sparkle and I shouldn’t let other women take away that sparkle.”
“The other women have all said bad things about you AshLee.” (When Tierra and AshLee were alone.)
“I never said that the other women said bad things about you AshLee.” (When in a room with the other women.)
“I’m good at three things – fighting, screwing and reading the news.”
Okay, that last one might be from the movie “Anchorman,” I lost my focus for a second there.
8:31 – And Sean walks in right as the argument ends. He was going to grab Tierra so she could talk to his sister (who wisely told Sean before the show started to NOT end up with the woman the other women didn’t like) and what does he find? Tierra crying. Talk about timing. I think Tierra heard the door knock, thought it was Chris Harrison checking to make sure everything was okay, and poked herself in the eye to draw tears.
8:32 – Tierra is in full on Jedi Mind Trick Mode. She’s complaining to Sean and he’s not buying it. I think I even saw Sean roll his eyes. Tierra’s trying to pin her problems on AshLee. And…blah, blah, blah. I’m not going into detail here. I now feel like I just started writing a running diary on a Nickelodeon sitcom. Just trust me, it’s not pretty. Tierra is pulling every magic trick in her repertoire to get Sean to believe her BS. She makes David Copperfield look like an amateur.
8:39 – Sean, who stepped out of the room to think for a bit. Has returned to talk to Tierra. If he gives her a rose I’m going to hit myself over the head with a heavy object.
8:40 – Yes! Sean tells Tierra, “I care so much about you it just might be best for you to go home now.” That line makes absolutely no sense but I could care less. It actually makes the line, “It’s not you, it’s me” seem like a valid statement. See you on “The Bachelor Pad” this summer Tierra. That’s where you really belong.
8:42 – And we see Tierra pulling a “Pappas.” She’s crying in the back of an SUV but there are no tears coming out of her eyeballs. She leaves with this parting shot, which is very Tierra, “I can’t believe he did this to me.” Because of course, her departure wouldn’t have ANYTHING to do with her own behavior.
8:48 – We see yet another promo for ABC’s “Zero Hour.” I watched the pilot a couple weeks ago. I like Anthony Edwards but don’t waste your time, the show sucks.
8:52 – Sean comes out to talk to the ladies, tells them Tierra “left,” reminded the women he doesn’t like drama (while staring at AshLee) and said there wouldn’t be a cocktail party. If I’m one of the bachelorettes I’m looking around for the nearest bar before the rose ceremony.
8:53 – We have a Chris Harrison sighting! He sure does look tan. Wonder what he’s been up to?
8:53 – Final rose ceremony time. It’s gotta be between AshLee and Lesley, right? Right?!? I have no clue.
8:55 – Desi gets the first rose.
8:55 – Catherine gets the next one. I was right for once.
8:55 – Chris Harrison, who can trace his lineage to Pythagoras, has come out from behind a tree. He uses his homemade abacus, which looks oddly like a See N Say, and let’s Sean know he has one rose remaining.
8:56 – And AshLee gets the final rose. My heart goes out to the beautiful and awesome Lesley who gets shown the door. You dodged a bullet girl. I hope you become the next Bachelorette.
8:58 – In a confessional Catherine is crying after Lesley got sent home because she felt that Lesley had a better connection with Sean than she did and is confused as to why she was sent home instead of her. This is NOT a good sign for Catherine.
Final thoughts – Can we all agree that Sean isn’t a good Bachelor? He’s not very interesting, he’s not funny, he’s just a random good looking guy. Why can’t we have people with personality on this show?...Tierra is a fat chick waiting to happen. There, I said it…Wow, after the preview for next week’s episode I’m SO bummed I’m not going to do a write up for it. Things look bad for Catherine and Desi. I gotta wonder though, maybe Desi’s brother is just being a jerk to test Sean.
See you all in two weeks!
You can follow Gazette Media Columnist Terry Terrones on Twitter at twitter.com/terryterrones.