'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 8 - And then there were two

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.” 

In case you forgot, I was out last week on a mini-vacation and I missed last Monday’s episode so there was no running diary. Actually that’s not entirely true. I did watch it, but I didn’t get around to it until Thursday so a running diary didn’t make much sense. I followed my Week 7 viewing with the “Sean Tells All” episode, which as these Tell All episodes do, didn’t tell anyone squat. Actually that’s not entirely true either. 

During the one hour extravaganza, Sean was clearly embarrassed about getting blinded by Toxic Teirra’s lies. He also hinted that he just might be a virgin. Or more appropriately, a “born again virgin.” I don’t really know what that means. Does that mean when he sleeps with someone he has to grope around pretending to have difficulty unhooking a bra? Does it mean he has a built in excuse if something happens prematurely? Have his romantic experiences really been that bad that he needs to hit the reset button on his virginity? Is he a real life Jason Biggs from “American Pie?” I’m not really sure. All I know is, there won’t be any “magic” happening in the fantasy suites tonight. 

Sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. During Week 7 we saw the hometown dates. Stage 5 Clinger AshLee’s date went okay (and just okay). Hot Lips Lindsay’s date focused on her two-star general’s dad who clearly intimidated Sean and Catherine’s date consisted of her family saying she wasn’t ready for a serious relationship. And then there was Desi’s date. 

This date was highlighted by two things – a fake boyfriend prank that wasn’t funny at all and Desi’s douchey brother who got in Sean’s head. Sean could evidently handle one but not the other. To Desi’s brother’s credit, he said a lot of things that were spot on. No matter who he picks this will never work out for Sean and from a normal person’s perspective (not that Desi’s brother is normal) it sure looks like he’s just picking the cutest puppy from a box. 

Think about it. In the real world would ANYONE be okay with a scenario like “The Bachelor?” Would you want anyone from your family on the show? I do of course, just because I’d like to see my brother as the Bach because it would be funny and I’d get all sorts of insider info. It would be the greatest thing that ever happened to me. 

Okay, enough rambling. I did enough of that during last night’s four hour Oscar live blog. Let’s get to tonight’s episode. 

7:00 – Sean is in Thailand with his last three ladies – Catherine, AshLee, and Hot Lips Lindsay. We all know what it means when it comes down to three – fantasy suite overnight dates. Time to put out or get out. I’m not exactly sure what putting out means for a born again virgin. For all I know it could be snuggling on the couch and watching “The Notebook.” 

7:01 – 7:10 – Wow, that was a really long recap on Sean’s relationships with the remaining three women. Are people just now jumping into this season or is this filler? Yep, its filler. Gotta kill two hours somehow. 

7:11 – After this recap I’m reminded that I have NO idea who the heck is right for Sean. None of the ladies seem to be a very good balance for him. The Yin to his Yang. The Spock to his Kirk. The cookies to his milk. To be frank, I think Desi, crazy brother and all, was better than any of these three. 

Speaking of the crazy brother, if I was in love with somebody, I wouldn’t let him stop me from being with her. While it’s certainly true that it makes life easier if you get along with your in-laws, if I thought Desi was the right girl for me I’d just ignore the guy and move on. Mostly because Desi’s parents clearly liked Sean and her brother looks like a parolee but also because in the end it wouldn’t really matter. If Sean’s relationship with Desi worked out and they fell in love, it would no longer be an issue. Time has a way of sorting stuff out. And that’s my philosophical rant of the day. 

7:13 – Just saw a commercial for the animated film “The Croods”. Nicolas Cage is providing the voice of a caveman. It was the role he was born to play! 

7:14 – Lindsay has the first date of the night. After seeing her walk up in a tight white top, I finally noticed the two big reasons why Sean is into her. Never noticed that before. I need to get my glasses checked. 

7:16 – Sean and Lindsay are at a market and they see the weirdest colored chicks I’ve ever seen. No, not women, actual baby chicks. It was so odd I had to tweet about it. I would have bought them all. 

7:17 - Time for Sean to be an ass. Lindsay specifically said before their date that she would try anything but wouldn’t eat bugs. Hello, you’re in Thailand, what do you think Sean is going to make you do? Eat a bug of course. What kind of jerk makes someone do that if they don’t want to? 

7:21 – Lindsay and Sean are feeding monkeys on a beach. No that’s not an umbrella drink or any kind of innuendo, they are literally feeding monkeys on a beach. Weird. 

7:27 – Time for the evening portion of Lindsay’s date. She and Sean are eating in front of what looks like two Thailandese (?) parade floats. I guess the word “understated” is not in this country’s vocabulary. 

7:32 – Lindsay and Sean’s date went so well it bored me to tears. At the end of the date, Sean whips out the fantasy suite card and Lindsay accepts the invite. If this was a real fantasy suite, why does their room look so ordinary?!? Couldn’t they get a “Star Wars” or “Game of Thrones” themed room? What’s so “fantasy” about this?!? 

7:34 – And with all the romance of a do-you-like-me-check-the-box-yes-or-no note, Lindsay tells Sean she loves him. Despite the fact it came across completely forced, right after she said the L word ABC producers turned the volume of the violins to 11, trying to convince us something monumental happened. Pfft. Right now I feel like Desi’s brother, I’m not buying it. 

7:40 – It’s AshLee’s turn. As Sean waits for Ash, he says in a voice over that he’s, “falling in love with this girl.” Wait a tic? Didn’t he say that about Lindsay? Sean’s refractory period must be over because he’s now in love with TWO women. I guess Sean only loves whatever woman is in his field of vision. 

7:42 – Time for Sean’s second jerk move of the night. Saying he likes to take women out of their comfort zone, he’s forcing AshLee to go through a cave (which I guess she has a fear of) to get to their beach destination. Who gave this guy dating advice? Is it Chris Harrison? Because we know he’s divorced. Maybe he’s putting a bug in Sean’s ear so he can torture women on the sly for his own amusement. 

7:43 – AshLee asks Sean if there’s any floaties. Yes sweetheart, look down. As long as you have those two pontoons you’ll never drown. 

7:45 – Ugh! I just barfed in my mouth a little as AshLee makes a clichéd relationship metaphor about going through a dark cave and how sticking together helps you get through blah, blah, blah. Excuse me while I get some Tums. 

7:48 –  AshLee talks in nothing but hyperbole – “Life changing, letting go, doing something that’s far beyond anything I thought I’d be doing, Sean makes me feel whole, I don’t feel that there are two human beings who belong together more than Sean and I” are all things she’s said in the last two minutes. Someone better be ready to put her on suicide watch once Sean dumps her because this chick is putting all her eggs in this guy’s basket. 

7:52 – Time for the evening portion of the date. I’m so sick of AshLee that I’m very tempted to mute the TV. If she says the name “Sean” or the phrase “this man” one more time I’ll throw a brick at my TV. I don’t know where I’d find a brick since I live in a stucco house but I’d pry one from a neighbor’s house if I have to.  

7:55 – AshLee is wearing a necklace that says a word and I can’t figure out what it says. I think it says “Crazy Ass” or “Desperate for Affection” but I can’t be sure. 

7:57 – Sean whips out the fantasy date card and tells the camera in a one-on-one that he’d like her to accept it because he wants to stay up all night TALKING to AshLee. I guess Sean really is a born again virgin because if a normal guy said that, “talking” would mean 15 minutes of fun followed by eight hours of snoring but the dude looks sincere. 

8:00 – And the date ends with this AshLee gem, “This man has literally healed my broken heart. If I have anything to do with it I’ll send the rest of my life with this man.” Excuse me while I call my dentist. That line was so sweet I think I have a cavity. 

8:04 – Time for Catherine’s date. It will go poorly. How do I know? It has to. The other two went so well this one can’t possibly be good.

8:09 – Sean and Catherine are having a quiet chat. She’s selling herself hard to convince him that she’s ready for a serious relationship. I’m again getting that Desi brother vibe, I’m not buying it. When two sisters and a mom are telling you someone isn’t ready, they’re not ready. Personally she’s the one woman remaining that I’m most attracted to (I like oddballs) so I want her to do well, but I think she goes home tonight. 

8:15 – Time for the evening portion of the date. Sean tells Catherine that he can see himself marrying her. We didn’t hear him say that to AshLee (but he did say it to Lindsay). Is there some foreshadowing going on here? 

8:20 – Catherine accepts the fantasy suite invite. Again, it’s just a hotel room. No light sabers or cool stuff to be found. 

8:21 – Wow, Catherine is surprisingly insecure. She clearly doesn’t feel like she deserves a guy as “hunky” as Sean. She even makes a mention to being teased about being chubby and says this is the most she’s ever been in a bikini. Either she was chubby at one point and lost a lot of weight or she just never dated a guy better looking than a 7 before. 

8:23 – What the heck?!? Chris Harrison comes out for some ridiculous preview for the James Franco “Wizard of Oz” movie. Seriously?!? I knew the producers of this show were sellouts but I didn’t think they were this bad. I was getting ready for a Bach plot twist and instead was given a trailer for a movie I don’t want to see. 

8:29 – Sean is having a chat with John Hopkins trained psychiatrist Chris Harrison and they are talking cryptically about the lady who is going home. Sean is looking for solace from Harrison, which is like asking for some sympathy from a pillow. Neither are emotionally capable.

8:31 – Harrison shows Sean a personal video message from each bachelorette. There’s NO WAY possible a last minute Hail Mary could save “one of these women” now. Unless one of the women is the Baltimore Ravens playing the Denver Broncos in the playoffs. Ouch! That hurt! 

8:42 – Sean just finished watching the three videos. It looks like Sean is either getting rid of AshLee or Catherine. I’d get rid of AshLee. She talks about how she’s no longer broken but because AshLee always brings up her past she’s even less ready for a real relationship than Catherine is. Can we just give the ring to Lindsay already? 

8:49 – Final rose ceremony time. There are only TWO roses to pass out. I PRAY that Chris Harrison comes out after one rose is gone to tell Sean that he only has one rose left. Please Tim Tebow, make it happen! 

8:52 – Hot Lips Lindsay gets the first rose. 

8:53 – And Catherine gets the second rose. I knew it! Not that Catherine looks very happy about it though. Sean took so long to make his second pick that it seemed like he wasn’t even going to bother to give it out. Congrats on winning the silver medal Catherine! 

8:54 – Whoa, AshLee is ticked. Her face went cold and she looks ready to stab Sean in the neck with Chris Harrison’s tie clip. She blows Sean off as she leaves and doesn’t even bother to acknowledge his admittedly weak explanation. This is NOT the reaction I expected AshLee to give. I thought she’d turn into a puddle of tears but instead she looks more like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.” 

8:56 – I feel bad for whoever the guy is in AshLee’s next relationship. She’ll likely force him to install a GPS under his skin so she can keep tabs on him at all times.  

Final thoughts – I’m really looking forward to the "Women Tell All" episode next week. I hope AshLee shows up with a body builder to try and make Sean jealous. I also hope Tierra gets so ticked off she throws her shoe at someone…I think ABC producers should lie and say there aren’t any cameras in the fantasy suite. They have night vision cameras on the “Bachelor Pad” so why not there?...Catherine is insecure. She constantly underestimates herself. That’s why she’ll finish second….According to my bookie the odds that Chris Harrison stopped by AshLee’s hotel room to see if he could get lucky after she got dumped were 3:1…Speaking of Harrison, why didn’t he come out when there was one rose left?!? Do you think a muscle bound lunk head like Sean can subtract? What is ABC paying you for Chris?!? 

See you all next week!