'The Bachelor' Running Diary: Week 10 - And the winner is...

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”  

Well, kiddos, this is the end. We finally get to see who will be Sean Lowe’s future ex-fiancée after many weeks of waiting. Who do you think it will be, the cutesy immature woman or the other cutesy immature woman? I’m not really sure. 

The case for Hot Lips Lindsay? She’s like a cell phone from Cricket, ready to be put to use immediately. Lindsay has a job that she can do anywhere (substitute teacher) and looks like she’s ready to follow Sean to Dallas. The case for Catherine? She’s quirky and fun. And unlike Lindsay, Catherine (Does she ever go by Cathy or Cath? I’d never call her Catherine, that’s just too many syllables) seems to have a big heart. 

These two women (yes, I’m starting to talk like Sean now) are also very similar. They’re both light hearted and don’t seem all that bright. Personally, I think Sean wound up with the wrong two in the finale. I think Lesley and Desi (aka Cute Katie Holmes) would have been better choices. But, as I tweeted about last Friday, it looks like Des already has plans and Lesley is probably too smart to do “The Bachelorette.” 

The biggest question for me is not who Sean picks but what exactly are the contents of the note we’ve been seeing in previews for the past few weeks? I think it’s Desi making a last ditch effort. My brother (yes, he watches too) thinks its Catherine backing out. What I want it to be is a love letter from Chris Harrison confessing his love for Sean. Now that would be the most. Dramatic. Final rose ceremony. Ever. 

Okay, enough jibber jabber. Let’s get to it. As always, be sure to check out the flavor filling links. 

7:00 – Gah! I just heard Chris Harrison say that tonight’s a three-hour episode! I hope I’m getting paid overtime for this extra hour I’m working. 

7:01 – And we’re once again given a preview of Sean getting the mysterious note at the final rose ceremony. It really does look like Harrison’s handwriting. I even think I saw part of it that said, “Do you like me? Check the box yes or no.” 

7:03 – Harrison is hosting tonight’s show in front of a live audience. Still waiting to see a guy in attendance. If I see one I’ll let you know. 

7:04 – Cut to Thailand. Sean’s family has arrived. Yet another reason to get my brother signed up to be the Bach – free trip to exotic locales for ME. 

7:05 – Sean’s mom tells him that he has to have an idea which woman he’s going to pick. This is what I’d be thinking too but Sean says it’s still up in the air. Can you really fall in love with two people at the same time? Is that really possible? 

7:07 – Catherine is the first to meet the fam. Hopefully she doesn’t knock over Sean’s grandma’s ashes or anything. 

7:09 – Sean’s mom is putting Catherine through the Spanish Inquisition (I’m exaggerating, I just wanted to use that link. She’s very sweet). And again we are reminded that Cath (that’s right, I said it) likes to write NOTES as she talks about exchanging blurbs with Sean. Gah! If my Bach watching brother is right about Catherine being the final rose note writer I’ll never hear the end of it.  

7:11 – Now Sean’s dad is talking to Catherine. He seems like a nice guy but also asks some tough questions. The topper is how Sean’s dad said that when his daughter got married to her husband, he became his best friend. Awww. Ugh, I can’t believe I’m saying this but I really like Sean’s family. Why can’t they be a bunch of rednecks that I can make fun of? How am I supposed to lampoon this?!? 

7:14 – Cathy’s date ends. It went extremely well. Let’s hope Hot Lips Lindsay does something stupid because right now this love fest is giving me an upset stomach. 

7:18 – Now it’s Lindsay’s turn. If this doesn’t work out for her, she could easily get some work at Disney doing the voice of Minnie Mouse. 

7:19 – Sean's family teases Lindsay about showing up on the first day in a wedding dress. I gotta admit, I think it was a pretty ballsy move. When I asked my future Bach brother about a woman showing up in a wedding dress he said that would have been a sign to send her home. Keep that in mind future bachelorettes. 

7:21 – Sean’s dad is talking with Lindsay. The more the guy talks the more I like him. I wonder if he can adopt me into his family, that’s how awesome he is. 

7:24 – Now Lindsay is talking to Sean’s mom. Again things are going smoothly and Lindsay is hitting all the right buttons. I’m totally baffled at who the family will like better. 

7:31 – Time for Sean to have a chat with his family to try and get some clarity on his situation. Yep, that’s exactly what you can expect to get from your family when you need to make an important decision, CLARITY. 

7:32 – Sean’s mom Sherry is doing mom-like things, telling Sean he doesn’t need to rush into getting engaged if he’s not ready to. If ABC producers had known that Sean had such a rational, normal family that would ask legitimate relationship questions they never would have signed him on to be the Bach. I guess this is why Desi makes such a good choice to be the next Bachelorette. You know ABC is planning on getting that nutty brother involved as much as possible. 

7:35 – Yes! Viewers were just treated to a Half-Mesnick (If I have to explain, you haven’t been reading this column long enough. For shame!). Sean is leaning over a balcony looking forlorn. I’m hoping we get a full-blown Mesnick when Sean gets Chris Harrison’s love note. 

7:39 – Harrison is talking to viewers in front of the live studio audience. Again, no dudes are visible. How did I not get an invite?!? 

7:40 – Time for Lindsay and Sean’s final date. Lindsay’s shorts are so short I don’t think they can legally be called shorts. Hold on a minute, I’m going to consult my buddy Ralph Lauren to get a verdict on this. Okay, I’m back. He called them mini-Daisy Dukes.

7:44 – Lindsay tells Sean she loves him and he just smiles. So basically Lindsay is getting the same reaction from Sean that I get when I talk to my superhero action figures when I tell them that I love them. 

7:50 – Time for the evening part of Sean and Lindsay’s date. That means liters of wine and a whole lot of this. 

7:54 – Uh, oh. Sean’s date with Lindsay goes so well that he says that, “At this moment. I think that she’s the one for me.” Gah! Is that foreshadowing or are ABC producers setting viewers up for a big fall. If I know this show, my money is on the latter. 

7:58 – Harrison is back with the live studio audience and I finally saw a guy. Huzzah!

7:59 – Time for Catherine and Sean’s final date. While Sean is boring he seems sincere. If I wasn’t sure before his parents confirmed it. That said, how can a normal person be on this show and not have their insides twisted out? Let’s say that everything that Sean says is real and he truly does have strong feelings for both these women. How the heck does he not have an ulcer at this point? If he really cares for both of them, wouldn’t it crush him to let down either one of the final two bachelorettes? Thank you for reading my rant. That’s the last time I treat this show like it’s real.  

8:03 – After an elephant ride Cathy and Sean are chatting in a comfy hut. My biggest problem with Catherine is that she doesn’t look Sean in the eyes when they talk. Is this a sign of something? I’m not sure. But I do know that if it was me and I was looking for anything to differentiate the final two women that might make a difference. Has she noticed that my face isn’t symmetrical? Are my eyes not brown enough? Do I always have food particles in my beard? Why isn’t she looking at me?!? 

8:07 – And for the second time tonight we’re shown a preview for the upcoming D-list celebrity diving show “Splash.” I don’t know what’s more surprising, that ABC thinks a diving show can draw an audience or that Louie Anderson is still alive. And when is the whole Katherine Webb craze going to end? Is there really a shortage of pretty women who date college football players? Is that all it takes to become famous these days? Her 15 minutes are more than expired. 

8:09 – Time for the evening portion of Cathy and Sean’s date. Cath talks about “not holding anything back.” I guess Sean is getting lucky tonight. 

8:12 – I feel like I’m watching a soap opera. Sean and Cathy are talking and Cath is again not looking at him. In fact, she almost has her back to him. It’s like I’m watching “Days of Our Lives.” 

8:15 – Uh, oh. There’s trouble ahead. Cathy told Sean she loved him and she wasn’t getting the “look” from him that she was hoping for. Catherine is getting a sense that she’s not “the one.” Now she will head to her room and write that note we’ve been seeing previews for. 

8:17 – Catherine is having a meltdown and is losing her mind. I can’t say I blame her. Could this be the most real finale in Bachelor history?!? I bet Chris Harrison would say yes. 

8:23 – Finally, some gratuitous shirtless shots of Sean. What took you so long ABC producers? 

8:24 – Sean, who only dresses in Hanes v-neck shirts and shorts, announces that he’s made up his mind. It seems to me that Lindsay is the clear-cut choice. 

8:25 – Sean picks out a gaudy, over the top ring. Personally I’d sell it and get something cheaper and use the money for a down payment on a house but that’s just me. 

8:26 – In the span of 60 seconds we see Sean, Lindsay and Catherine cry. That must be some kind of Bach record. Who’s keeping the stats on this show? We know it’s not Harrison. If it is he’s been getting bad information based on his “most dramatic” and “best Bachelor season ever” quotes he says every year. 

8:33 – Harrison is back in the studio with eliminated bachelorettes Lesley, One Armed Sarah, OCD AshLee, and Jackie (who I totally forgot about). Surprisingly AshLee never used the phrase “this man” once and didn’t bring up her abandonment issues. 

8:36 – Jackie says the most interesting thing she's said all season. Harrison asks her about the note we’ve all been hearing about and Jackie thinks it might be from Sean’s mom. That would actually make sense since she was worried about him rushing into an engagement. Thank you Jackie for finally making a contribution to this season. 

8:42 – The scene is set. Sean is standing by a lake looking melancholy. It’s finally time to get down to it. He’s ready to break someone’s heart and then get on with his life. You can cut the tension with a spork. 

8:43 – The first car is pulling up. We all know that the first person to step out is the loser. Who will it be? My money is on Catherine.   

8:44 – Holy cow! Lindsay has stepped out of the car! She’s going to get her heart torn out of her chest Temple of Doom-style. 

8:45 – Sean’s warming up to it. He’s talking sweetly now but soon there will be a huge BUT… 

8:48 – And here it is. Sean says, “This is the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do.” Lindsay looks like she just saw a comet destroy her house. She was totally and completely blindsided by this. What makes it worse is that Sean tells Lindsay that he loves her! Why tell her that?!? That was just brutal to watch. 

8:50 – Says Lindsay in the limo, “I know this feeling. I’ve felt it 100 times.” You’re 24 years old sweetheart. You’ll be okay. 

8:52 – Uh oh. Here comes Harrison. He just gave Sean THE NOTE. Gah! 

8:53 – And ABC cuts to Harrison in the studio audience?!? Damn, they’re doing a good job tonight. I’m hanging on pins and needles. I’m not sure exactly how you can hang onto things that small but I’m doing it. 

8:59 – Sean read the note from Catherine and it’s all positive. Dammit! I can’t believe ABC producers duped me. Fool me once, shame on me. Fool me twice, shame on…you? I don’t remember how that saying goes. Get ready for fireworks and flower petals falling from the sky. 

9:02 – Sean is chatting up Catherine. She’s so nervous her nostrils are flaring like Secretariat in the Kentucky Derby. Here it comes… 

9:03 – Sean drops to a knee and whips out the gaudy ring, he asks to marry her and she says yes! Violins are playing! Cats and dogs are skipping arm in arm! Birds and local wildlife burst into song! 

9:05 – And Sean and Catherine ride off into the Thailand sunset on an elephant. That’s not even a joke. 

9:06 – Time for “The Bachelor: After the Final Rose.” That’s right! Extra Bach coverage! You guys owe me BIG. 

9:07 – Harrison mentions for the fifth time this evening that Sean has some breaking news. My money is on Catherine being preggers. I’m hoping I’m right because I already lost a lot of money on Lindsay being the “winner.” 

9:09 – Sean is onstage with Harrison. The dude is beaming like a kid who was just given a Nintendo 64 for Christmas. I guess he made the right choice. 

9:13 – Lindsay has come out and is greeted by cheers from the live studio audience. She left graciously so I’m not anticipating anything nasty from her. 

9:19 – This interview with Lindsay is taking longer than it should. Harrison keeps trying to rub salt in her wounds by asking follow up after follow up question but Lindsay’s taking it like a champ. 

9:23 – And Catherine is onstage. I don’t see a baby bump so my “breaking news” guess might be off. Unless they just found out, of course. 

9:37 – Okay, we’re definitely into “milking it” territory. Harrison is launching more softballs than Jennie Finch. Get to the “breaking news” already. 

9:41 – We have our so-called “breaking news.” Sean and Catherine are getting married on a reality show on ABC. Yawn. Of course I’ll watch it.  

9:50 – We’re back from a break where Harrison introduces the new Bachelorette – Desi. No surprise. Again, I wouldn’t have minded Lesley or Sarah but Desi is a good choice. According to her bio she’s from Northglenn, CO. I think this makes her the first Bachelorette from Colorado in this show’s history. We finally have something to brag about! 

9:58 – And Chris Harrison signs off. That’s all folks! 

Final thoughts – Excellent episode. I was kept guessing the entire time. I thought for sure Lindsay was the winner but like a bunch of other people, I was cleverly tricked. Good job ABC…I can’t believe I’m saying this but this might be the most genuine Bach finale in Bachelor history. Good choice of a Bach by ABC and after seeing how they act together after the fact, I think Sean actually did make the right choice…I will use this season of the Bach as ammunition to get my brother to sign up. Hey Phil, if it worked for Sean it could work for you too. Just remember to bring me along on all your exotic locales as your consigliore…Anyone else miss Tierra this episode? No? Just me? Okay…

And finally, I’d like to thank you all for sticking it out with me this season. This year I got the most feedback I ever have and I really appreciate it. You're all awesome and I look forward to doing another running diary again this summer. See you then!