'BACHELOR DIARY': Week 4 - The ghost of Michelle Money

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor.”

I’ve received some positive feedback regarding the Chris Harrison Face Time Meter but I believe that I proved my point last week (3 minutes?!? 3 freaking minutes?!?) so I won’t be doing it again. But as I said during week 3, wallow in the misery of knowing Harrison makes more in one episode than you make in a month. Or year, depending on your profession.

Enough Chris Harrison bashing, for now. Let’s get to this weeks episode.

7:00 – Just read the episode description on my DVR. It starts, “Ben and his 13 would-be soul mates…” I nearly snorted my drink out my nose laughing at that. A) Because I don’t believe in soul mates (see: Rock, Chris). And B) How realistic is it to have a TV network call up all your potential soul mates and deliver them to you in a mansion in Los Angeles? Wouldn’t that have just saved you a TON of time?

7:02 – Ben is in a helicopter flying over Park City, Utah. There are certain programs that were made for HD – any kind of sporting event, “Survivor”, and I’d now add “The Bachelor” to that list. I forget how many outdoor activities they do. That and you can see which bachelorette has bad acne.

7:04 – Chris Harrison is in the hizzy! His best piece of advice for the bachelorettes? “Don’t sit around and talk about the weather when you have some time with Ben”. That’s why he makes the big bucks. The guy is a younger, taller, less interesting Dr. Ruth. Let’s just hope he keeps the conversations G-rated.   

7:05 – Rachel (who is so forgettable that I never remember that she’s on the show) is awarded with the first one-one-one date. This brings administrative assistant Kacie to tears. Her bond with Ben is so strong that she knows she’s in love with him after a single date, much like the movie “Serendipity” with John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale. Which would make Chris Harrison a more modern Jeremy Piven.

7:08 – Ugh! More water works and whining from Kacie, who looks like she needs to up her Prozac dosage. She’s reaching a stalker level of attachment in only 4 weeks. I’m pretty sure that’s a Bachelor record.

7:10 – Says the wife as Rachel (who could pass for Bo Derek’s daughter) and Ben begin their first date, “They don’t seem to have any chemistry.” What?!? Are you serious?!? Ben is like the Dalai Lama, he can get along with anybody.

7:12 – I’ll give Ben credit, he did a good job of keeping this date simple. That’s what I’d do. It would force people to talk to each other about real things like real people do on an actual date, instead of being distracted by the craziness of having some ABC exec’s kid singing in San Fancisco’s city hall.

7:14 – Oh boy, Rachel is in trouble. She and Ben have nothing to talk about. I’ve seen better conversations between strangers on crowded New York City subways. I’ve seen better conversations at the front row of a Metallica concert. I’ve seen better conversations at a mime convention. I’ve seen…well, you get the point.

7:19 – So far the most interesting topics of conversation for Rachel and Ben have been how beautiful the surroundings are, the prime location of a beaver dam, and some chaps hanging on a wall. I can’t wait until they start talking about the weather.

7:20 – Says Rachel when talking about her last, most serious romance, “Why waste time in a relationship that you don’t see going somewhere?” And this ladies and gentlemen is what we in the writing business call, foreshadowing. 

7:24 – Much to my surprise Rachel gets the rose on the one-on-one. Like Tim Tebow in the pocket, she sensed the pressure (Ben starting to doubt she was interested) and threw a 30-yard duck that was miraculously caught for a touchdown. Amazing to see someone on this show that’s able to read body language and subtle vocal cues. Rachel got the hint, opened up just enough, and gets to stick around another week.

7:30 – Time for an 8 woman, 1 man group date. Woohoo! VIP Cocktail waitress Blakely is in attendance. I’ve been wondering for four weeks what exactly a “VIP Cocktail Waitress” is and none of the things that pop into my head are good. She’s either a server at an Applebees who decided to give herself a better job title or she works in the Champagne Room at The Landing Strip.

7:32 – Lindzi, the 47-year old horse whisperer, is totally excited to go horseback riding with Ben and 7 other women. She even brought her own shovel and bucket for cleanup duty.

7:33 – Gah! For the fifth time this episode Kacie is complaining about how hard it is to share Ben. Forget a Chris Harrison Face Time Meter, I need a Kacie Cries Meter. All this airtime in leading me to believe she’s going home.

7:35 – And for the 13th time tonight Kacie says she and Ben have a connection. I’m ready to vote her off the island. What? Wrong show? Dang! 

7:37 – Courtney the Model (Is it just me or does she always look like she has a fat lip?) reminds me of Michelle Money from Brad’s season. The Bachelor could look like Jabba the Hutt and it wouldn’t matter, it’s all about the competition for her and she’ll strangle anyone who gets in her way with piano wire to win.

7:43 – Ben just said he’s been in love 4 times. He’s 28. That seems like a high number. I just hope he’s not counting Jennifer Love Hewitt as one of those four.

7:45 – Nicki just played the death card so she’s guaranteed to get tonight’s rose. I’d tell you who she was close to that died but she talks like an 80s valley girl and I could only comprehend every other word she said. I did catch a few "Gag me with a spoon's" though.

7:47 – Interesting conversation between Ben and Samantha (another bachelorette who’s been invisible so far). She’s been on three group dates and confronts Ben about what that means. Being a man, he has no idea. The conversation quickly goes downhill from there. Ben is not used to being challenged by reality show contestants.

7:48 – That was quick. Samantha (who sticks her tongue out repeatedly like a cat sipping milk when she's nervous) gets the boot. Ben was stern, almost harsh with her, which was odd to see. Maybe there were things off camera we weren’t privy to but for Ben to be so expedient, decisive, and indignant was a surprise. Could this show be going to his head?

7:50 – After seeing Samantha’s reaction and the reaction of her fellow bachelorettes I think Ben may have made a mistake. Not in thinking she may not be right for him, but an error in believing that Samantha was just there to have a good time. Someone who really felt that way wouldn’t have been so upset at leaving. I think Ben just didn’t understand her. 

7:58 – Ben smooches with Courtney the Model after sucking face with Kacie. Courtney then proceeds to use her Jedi powers to make Ben feel guilty about spending time with other women. This is why younger men are so bad at being the Bachelor. A more mature guy would see through this act, but young schmucks like Ben get played like a tiny piano in a bar in Casablanca and end up giving a rose to someone who tells you to give it to them instead of you deciding to give it to them. 

8:09 – If there’s anything Bachelor producers never get tired of it’s relationship metaphors, which is exactly what Jennifer and Ben get on their one-on-one. Diving into a crater filled with water to demonstrate trust somehow corresponds with “taking the plunge” in a relationship. I think the producers of this show read too many Family Circus comics. 

8:18 – Ben calls Jennifer a good kisser. Has the guy met a woman who he didn’t think was a good kisser?

8:20 – I don’t usually comment on them but the cut aways of the women back at the cabin who are not on dates are so weird because all they talk about is the dates they’re not on. Not exactly a normal conversation for a bunch of women living together. Imagine if this went on in your life when you were dating:

Blonde 1: How do you think Terry’s date is going with Buffy?

Red Head 1: I’m sure it’s going well. Buffy is hard not to like, she’s so awesome.

Brunette 2: Yeah, I’m sure she’ll get a rose. They seem like a good match.

Evil Blonde 1: Terry and I have a real connection and I’m going to win this. Then I’ll tear out his heart, pour gasoline on it, and light it on fire and become the next Bachelorette.

What a weird show.

8:22 – Jennifer gets a rose and her reward is a concert from some country singer I’ve never heard of. Sounds more like a punishment to me but I guess there are people out there who like that kind of music. I don’t, so I’m watching this section while my TV is muted. I’m also playing some Foo Fighters from my iTunes to get that yucky country taste out of my ears.

8:29 – Cocktail party time. I’m this close to changing Courtney the Model’s nickname to Fatlip Courtney.

8:31 – Uh oh. PhD student Emily is starting to over think things. You never, ever, EVER, go complaining to the Bachelor about how he's not seeing a person for who they really are. Take it from a guy, men are annoyed by women who insult their intelligence. That doesn’t mean a man won’t listen, it just means you need to give a man the benefit of the doubt that he’ll sort this stuff out on his own.

8:33 – As expected Emily’s advice backfired. First of all she didn’t word what she was thinking the right way. Ben was clearly offended and he wanted Emily to focus on their relationship, not on anyone else. Secondly, she started griping to other women about Courtney the Fatlipped Model (I had to meld the two, get used to it.). This is never a good idea as every bachelorette, no matter how loathsome, has a buddy on the show. In this instance that buddy is Casey. 

8:36 – Casey couldn’t get to Courtney fast enough. She ran to her with bullet train speed. Says Courtney in consecutive sentences as she’s being told about Emily trashing her to Ben, “I’m a nice person. I almost want to rip her head off and verbally assault her.” I think that’s just a small contradiction.

8:45 – Courtney the Fatlipped Model just Jedi Mind Tricked Emily, which leads to the PhD student having a Three Mile Island-style meltdown. Instead of confronting Courtney and calling her out for what she is, she backpedaled and folded like a tent under the tiniest bit of pressure. Yo Emily, did you not read my comments from 8:31? What were you thinking?!?

8:47 – Chris Harrison is here…and now he’s gone. He’s like trying to catch a leprechaun.

8:52 – More Harrison! Wait, hang around Chris! I have a question…never mind. You’re like dust in the wind.

8:53 – Rose ceremony time!

8:54 – Ben gave Jamie a rose. I have no idea who she is.

8:55- Ben gave Elyse a rose. I have no idea who she is either.

8:56 – Harrison comes out to remind Ben he has one rose left. He should work for NASA as the guy who counts down from 10 to 1 before rocket launches.

8:56 – And Emily gets the last rose, sending Monica home.

Final Thoughts – If I were the Bachelor I’d of kept Monica and gotten rid of Elyse and Jamie. I think she’s gorgeous and a little feisty, which I like.  Blakely has been very quiet lately. She needs her inner VIP Cocktail Waitress to be unleashed. Courtney the Fatlipped Model is this season’s mean girl. The Bachelor never ends up with the mean girl but she is fun to watch. As for Emily? She's toast. Not only was it a horrible idea to bad mouth another bachelorette, but she's also forgotten her purpose for being on the show - to win a man. When you take your eye off the prize, it's only a matter of time before you lose.