'BACHELOR DIARY': Week 5 - Ben is no Goose Gossage

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor”. Before I get into this week’s running diary I have to address some big issues that keep popping up this season.

Issue 1- Despite the fact that we’re entering week 5 there are still some no name bachelorettes on the show. This is normal for the first few weeks, but by now everybody should fall into some kind of category (catty, friend zone, damaged, etc). Unfortunately only a select few bachelorettes have been getting the limelight, most notably Courtney the Fatlipped Model. Courtney isn’t the prettiest and or even the evilest contestant in Bachelor history yet she’s dominating the show, which is a testament to how weak this group of women is. Hopefully this week Jamie, Elyse, and Casey, (who I swear I’ve never seen before last week) will do something crazy.

Issue 2 – Despite being Kevin Arnold-level likable, Ben doesn’t seem to be capturing the audience’s attention. Maybe it’s my brother’s constant jokes about Ben co-starring in commercials with Brian Orakpo (which never ceases to crack me up), the comments my female friends on Twitter make about his looks, or Ben’s flat demeanor, but he just isn’t particularly interesting. That said, over the last two weeks Ben has shown flashes of personality (quickly dumping Samantha and the emergence of some actual game), so there is hope.

Can this season of the Bachelorette overcome these two nagging issues? Let’s find out with this week’s episode.

7:02 – Only two minutes in and we see that Courtney the Fatlipped Model is still in Emily’s head. Can we just send Emily home now? In this state she has about as much chance of winning Ben as I do of beating Usain Bolt in the 100m dash.

7:04 – Chris Harrison is on hand to explain what everyone already knows. Which I'm certain is his job description. At this point he sounds just like the teachers on those old Peanuts cartoons. All I hear is “wah, wah, wah”. As if it’s not bad enough that Harrison has the easiest job in the world, you just know he came in and said his bit for 5 minutes then hit the beach and went parasailing and sunbathing for the rest of the day. I hate that guy.

7:05 – Nicki gets the first one-on-one and Courtney the Fatlipped Model looks like she’s ready to stab her in the neck. The “you better check your self b*&$%” line also doesn’t help Courtney look any more mentally stable. I think it’s her eyebrows. They might be controlling her brain like the pimple on Chris Griffin’s face.

7:08 – Says Ben about Nicki, “She brings out a playful side of me”. Which means he’ll make two lame jokes on this date instead of one.

7:12 – After getting soaked by the rain, Nicki and Ben buy some clothes from a local shop. Nicki looks gorgeous. Ben looks like he’s an ice cream salesman. Or an extra from "Miami Vice". Or a guy you buy cigars from on a street corner in Puerto Rico.

7:18 – An evening of wine and dinner for Ben and Nicki. If Ricky Martin doesn’t jump through the bushes and start singing “Livin La Vida Loca” I’m going to be disappointed.

7:20 – Nicki, 26-years old and a dental hygienist from Texas, tells Ben the story of how her marriage fell apart. Allow me to fill in the gaps. Nicki fell in love with her high school sweetheart who was the quarterback of the football team. During their senior year he was injured and was paralyzed from the waist down. She tried to support him but became conflicted when her boyfriend’s best friend hit on her and she had an affair with him. She kept the relationship secret and married her boyfriend anyway. But after having a heart to heart talk with her dad, who is the coach of the football team, she comes clean with her husband and they divorce. He moves on to become a sports agent in New York City and she stays in the small Texas town to become a hygienist. And no, I didn’t take any of these ideas from the TV show “Friday Night Lights”.

7:24 – Nicki gets the rose. No surprise there.

7:28 – Ben loves baseball so he’s going to force the women on the group date to play a game. The date clue talked about diamonds. Looks like there’s going to be a lot of disappointed women.

7:31 – Chris Harrison has reared his well-coiffed head. Just like us viewers, the ladies are surprised to see him at a place that doesn’t have roses or champagne. That said, his tan does look very even.

 7:34 – The bachelorettes, dressed in short shorts and tight tops, are split into two teams that must battle it out for a group date with Ben later that night. Winners get the group date and losers go home. This game is just as intense as the 2004 Yankees/Red Sox ALCS and not misogynistic in the slightest.

7:36 – Says Courtney during the game, “Blakely is like a champion out there. Who knew strippers could play baseball?” Now we know what a VIP Cocktail Waitress really is!

7:41 – Ben pitches like a wimp. I would have struck these women out like 1999 Pedro Martinez. You want a date with me? Let’s see if you can hit my curveball. Or fastball. Or two-seam split finger. And oh yeah, you better believe if Courtney crowds the plate I’ll give her a brush back pitch.

7:42 – Jennifer strikes out, costing her team the game. As a punishment she was forced to clean all the sunflower seeds out of the dugout. 

7:43 – Blakely and Jennifer sob after the loss. Looks like Tom Hanks was wrong, there actually is crying in baseball.

7:48 - Ben calls the baseball game “thrilling”, a “battle royale” and “crazy”. Ben has obviously never seen a WWE Royal Rumble.

7:50 - Courtney has a negative comment for every woman on the group date. Her immaturity is obvious to viewers, but is it obvious to Ben?

7:54 – Kacie gets the group date rose, which pushes Courtney into Desperation Mode. She steals Ben away and talks about skinny-dipping with him. He looks uncomfortable with the idea. As a guy, I can tell you that I’d completely be down with it. But (and this is a big but) if I'm doing that with someone I’m just dating it tells me that this is NOT someone I’m serious about.

8:02 – Elyse, a 24-year old personal trainer, is already crying BEFORE the date about how tough it is to find love. I’m sorry, but I have no pity for you. One of the most annoying (or ironically funny) things about this show is how 20-somethings are “tired of the bar scene”, “tired of being alone” and “just looking for that special someone”. Give me a break. Call me when you’re in your 30s and have suffered a little. 24?!? 24 and hot?!? Pfft. Puh-lease.

8:05 – So far during her date I’ve heard Elyse say the word “like” 87 times. This is not a comment on her maturity, just a comment.

8:06 – Elyse is wearing a leopard print bikini. This is not a comment on her maturity, just a comment.

8:11 – Elyse is wearing a white dress and her breasts look like grapefruits attached to her collarbones. This is not a comment on her maturity, just a comment.

8:14 – Elyse is backpedalling faster than Champ Bailey while covering a receiver. Ben is clearly getting the “tired of being single” vibe from a 24-year old and he’s not digging at all. I think he’s sending her home.

8:15 – Ben gives Elyse the “I think you’re a great girl, but…” line and kicks her to the curb. Good call. They didn’t seem to have any chemistry and she was just too young for him.

8:16 – Elyse just asked, “What did I do wrong?” When you ask that question, you have no idea what kind of relationship you’re in.

8:18 – And we see Elyse doing The Pappas. She’s wiping tears away that nobody can see. This should be worth points in Fantasy Bachelor. I need to talk to Chris Harrison (or KRDO's Rana Novini) about this. 

8:26 – After the women gasp about Elyse getting tossed, Courtney decides to sneak up on Ben like the creepy stalker that she is, sitting on the stairs with a bottle of wine as he opens his condo door. Thankfully Bachelor producers were on hand to show her where he was staying.

8:27 – With all the subtlety of a wrecking ball, Courtney opens up her robe to show Ben her cleavage. Ben’s response is, “Oh, my.” This woman couldn’t be more obvious. Not that any man has the power to resist something like that. A woman could weigh 800-lbs and a man would still take a peek at her cleavage.

8:30 – And for the first time in Bachelor history we have skinny-dipping. I officially nominate Courtney as the first contestant this season to be on the "Bachelor Pad". She’s the total package for that show – conniving, pretty, will do anything for the camera, and has no morals. She’s a first round "Bachelor Pad" draft pick.

8:36 – Says Ben about skinny-dipping with Courtney, “We shared a very intimate moment. Right now I feel kind of crappy about what happened.” What do you have to feel guilty about Ben? Is he saying what I think he’s saying? Did he get past first base with Courtney? I think so. 

8:40 – Blakely “opened up” to Ben. Which means she said some crap she thought he needed to hear and sucked face with him. Of course it worked like a charm.

8:42 – Despite saying she thinks that the other women will “probably hate me” for skinny-dipping with Ben, Courtney makes sure to bring up the topic and toys with several other women. Maybe she should be called Cruella Courtney.

8:44 – Uh oh. PhD student Emily just contradicted herself to Ben. She said she hasn’t thought about anything but him but brings Courtney up yet again. She’s essentially asking him to send her home.  

8:50 – Rose ceremony time! My money is on Emily getting tossed. But if it was me, I’d send Casey home. I haven’t seen him spend one minute with her this episode and she just seems like she’s on vacation.

8:52 – Jamie gets a rose. I still don’t know who she is.

8:53 – Courtney gets a rose. After last night’s performance it was a slam dunk. Ben had no choice.

8:54 – Holy cow! Emily gets the last rose, sending Jennifer home. I’m very surprised.

Final thoughts – My wife thought Jennifer was a good fit for Ben. She’s cute but not glamorous which is what she thought he needed. I agreed and thought she’d go farther…When will Ben see through Courtney’s act? Its got to happen at some point, right? Or is this yet another instance of ABC producers telling Ben, “Look, we know she’s crazy and you’re not going to end up with her but keep her around for a few more weeks.”…the preview for the rest of the season looks good with 1) Casey going home. My guess is some kind of family tragedy 2) Courtney being called out. That looks fun. I'm sure she won't turn into Sharon Stone in "Fatal Attraction" at all. And 3) a tease of who Ben picks at the end. My final two picks? Kacie and Emily.