'BACHELOR DIARY': Week 6 - Bachelors and boyfriends don't mix

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor”. Before I get to tonight’s running diary I want to do some self-promotion and give you all a heads up.

First, be sure to look for something I’ll be posting next week called 5 TV Shows to Watch With Your Spouse. If you’re looking for something fun to watch with your significant other, this is a must read. Even if you’re not looking for something to watch with your significant other, please read it anyway.

Second, I spent the entire day yesterday driving my son back and forth to Greeley for a visit to UNC. It’s one of the schools he’s considering attending and he had a meeting with one of the music professors. Now I’m not asking for any sympathy, I’m sure there are lots of other parents out there who drive their kids around like a taxi service. I’m just giving you all a warning because I do have an excuse if I say something stupid like – “this could possibly be the best way ever to meet a spouse” or “if Vegas were taking bets I’d wager on Blakely’s breasts being 100% real” or “I’ve lost count of how many roses are left? Will somebody please tell me!”. There might be a few misspellings too. I’m a little punchy. You’ve been warned. 

One final programming note. If the promos for ABC’s “The River” have piqued your interest, you might want to read my preview of the show that I posted here on Monday.

Okay, enough of that. Lets get to the latest episode of…”The Bachelor”.

7:01 – The bachelorettes are shown flying into Panama City, Panama. This brings me to a question I’ve wanted to know the answer to for a long time – who gets to choose these locations? Does Ben have a say? Is it the producers? Does Ben get a wish list of places he’d like to visit? How do I find out the answers to these questions? How many questions in a row can I ask without any answers anyway? 7? 8?

7:05 – Kacie has the first date, a one-on-one. Says the wife about her, “If she doesn’t win she’s going to be the next Bachelorette. She’s just like Jillian.” Sadly, we’ve already learned that single mom Emily Maynard is going to be the next Bachelorette. I’d prefer Kacie. Why? Because viewers will hear Emily talk about her daughter Ricki Bobby (it’s just Ricki, I like to add the Bobby) ad nauseum. Emily will break a record for most repetitive phrases in Bachelor history. A title Chris Harrison won’t give up without a fight.

7:08 – Ben and Kacie’s date has turned into an episode of “Survivor” as they have to hunt and gather ingredients for their own meal. Ben calls this “romantic,” I’d call it torture. If I were on that island with Kacie I’d have to sacrifice her so I could eat because the chances of me catching a fish (even with a net) or opening a coconut without the help of a trained Pacific Islander are about .001%. If she really cared about me, Kacie would sacrifice herself so I wouldn’t have to go without a meal for 6 hours. Then I’d give her a posthumous rose.

7:14 – I just heard Jamie talk for the first time this season. She babbled something about Blakely and Bo Derek’s daughter (Rachel) having the dreaded 2-on-1. Dun, dun, DUN! Where has Jamie been this entire time? She’s cute and she seems intelligent. What gives?

7:17 - Kacie informs Ben that she used to have an eating disorder. As a guy I can honestly say that this is in no way a deal breaker. Deal breakers for me? Smokers, hoarders, VIP Cocktail Waitresses, porcelain doll collectors, venereal disease carriers, and Kim Kardashian. 

7:18 – Ben gives Kacie a rose. Say hello to our frontrunner.

7:23 – The women on the group date all step out of a van wearing denim short shorts. It looks like a “Dukes of Hazzard” convention.

7:24 – Jamie speaks again! She must be going home today. Jamie also mentions how hot it is that Ben can steer a motorboat. I find it fascinating that the women on this show find something so simple to be “hot”. If I’d of known that doing menial, man-like things would get attractive women to stare at me like a t-bone steak I would have started carrying bales of hay in my car and toting them around in front of random sorority houses in college.

7:26 – 7:31 – The women change into native clothing. All of them wear bathing suits under their garb except for Courtney the Fatlipped Model who is basically topless. She may be aggressive but at least she got into the spirit of things. Heck, even Ben and his pasty thighs dressed like a native. What are these women afraid of, a nip slip? This is ABC, they’re going to blurkel it out! Have some fun! For the first time this season I agree with Courtney. These chicks are prudes and have no game. 

7:35 – After seeing the last group date I’m finally starting to understand why Ben keeps talking about “opening up”.  If I’m him and I see that only Courtney is truly letting loose, it makes sense that he’d say that. What he really means however is, “Look, I know this is an awkward situation but would you please try to be yourself so I can properly assess any relationship potential there might be?”

7:37 – Lindzi just called Ben her “boyfriend” and told him that she’s cried about the situation she’s in. Suddenly Ben is starting to understand what Hugh Hefner feels like.

7:39 – Ben is talking with Courtney and she’s again playing him like a fiddle. She even tells him her room number so they can “just lay there for 15 minutes”. My guess is that Ben really only needs 5 minutes or less. Heyo! How is a guy supposed to say no to that? ‘Hey, come up for some “snuggle time”. Hint, hint, wink, wink, nudge, nudge. Even Caveman Ben knows what that means.  

7:41 – Ha! Best moment of the night so far. Jamie is talking with Ben, rambling about something really important, while Courtney splashes around in a bathing suit behind them. Needless to say, Ben is having trouble focusing on what Jamie is saying. Courtney is a master. She’s the Bobby Fischer of bachelorettes. She’s playing chess while everyone else is playing checkers. It’s getting embarrassing for the other women. 

7:42 – Courtney couldn’t be more distracting. I’m pretty sure she was doing the bicycle, jumping jacks, and the most inappropriate yoga positions she could think of just out of sight of Jamie’s gaze but exactly where Ben could see her.

7:48 – Emily’s chatting up Ben and seems to be redeeming herself. She says a few jokes and gets a smooch. She’s back in the race! However, she apologizes to Courtney for some inexplicable reason. This is a sweet move on Emily’s part but a sign of weakness that Courtney pounces on to further mess with her mind. Courtney Fischer wins again!

7:51 – Lindzi gets the group date rose. Courtney Fischer is angry but now has a use for the scorpions she bought from the local Panamanian kids on the group date.

7:53 – Uh, oh, maybe Courtney is in trouble. She invited Ben to her room and was waiting for him but he never showed up. How does a guy pass on free…”snuggle time”? Perhaps he’s snuggled with her before and it wasn’t all that it was cracked up to be?

7:57 – Time for the tension filled two on one date. Two dates enter, one date leaves (it’s from “Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome” just go with it). Bo Derek’s daughter Rachel lacks confidence and VIP Cocktail Waitress Blakely has plenty of it. Considering they’re going dancing, I’m sure Blakely’s “experience” will help her on this date. However, last time I checked there are no poles in salsa dancing.

8:00 – How can Ben decide who to keep between Rachel and Blakely? Easy. Ask them to write their jobs on a piece of paper. Then get rid of the stripper.

8:08 – Dinner for Blakely, Ben and Rachel. Not uncomfortable at all. Although I’m pretty sure all I heard were crickets during their mealtime conversation. I’d get rid of them both. He doesn’t seem to have any real chemistry with either.

8:11 – Blakely and Rachel take two very different approaches to win the rose. Rachel shows her more affectionate side and Blakely shows her more emotional side, including a hokey looking scrapbook that’s just slightly creepy. Was I the only one who saw words cut out from newspapers to form sentences like a serial killer would?

8:13 – Rachel gets the rose! The scrapbook was the deciding factor. Blakely didn’t even give Ben a chance to finish his “it’s not you it’s me” sentence before getting up to leave. 

8:15 – Ben talked to Blakely and gave his standard “my relationship with the other women is so much further along than where ours is” line. It’s a bit clichéd and impersonal but it does the job. If I felt like I truly hurt someone, I’d give a more personal response for giving her the boot. In Blakely’s case – her job, fake boobs, giant horse-like teeth the size of my Mini Cooper’s hood. However, at least she’ll be on the next season of “The Bachelor Pad” so she’s got that going for her.

8:21 – Chris Harrison makes his first appearance tonight. It only took 81 minutes. Good job Chris! Now it’s finally time for what ABC producers have beat into the ground during every commercial break – Harrison’s talk with Casey. Again, my money is on a family tragedy.

8:23 – Uh oh! I was wrong. It looks like Casey’s pulling a Justin from Ali’s season and has a boyfriend she loves back home. Someone was looking for a free vacation. Harrison and the crew are being way easier on her than they were on Justin. Maybe it’s because Casey is a much better liar or because Justin admitted his guilt when confronted but they seem to be treating her with kid gloves. I’d like to see Ben talk on the phone with her boyfriend like Ali did with Justin’s girlfriend. Casey needs some comeuppance.

8:30 – Casey explains to Ben that there’s a guy back home that she’s not completely over. That’s the short version. He then tells her to hit bricks. Ben seems hurt and I think he feels like he was deceived. I think Ben handled it pretty well. As someone who has seen every season of this series, I’m pretty confident she was lying.

8:34 – Harrison tells Casey that he doesn’t think she came on this show to deceive anyone. I’m hoping he’s just saying that to make her feel better about being caught. She had strong feelings for someone else and hid it, so she shouldn’t have been there. Is it as bad as what Justin did? No, but she never should made it on the show. 

8:42 – Cocktail party time. I’d like to see Ben get drunk and belligerent and go off on some kind of booze-fueled rant where he breaks down in tears telling yelling, “This is one great big joke!”

8:45-8:50 – Jamie has a conversation with Ben that she intended to be sexy but was anything but. I’ve heard more sensual dialogue while watching “Star Wars”.   Here’s some of Jamie’s sexy talk, which I’m paraphrasing. Read Jamie’s part in a robot voice: 

Jamie: I am going to kiss you now. It will be really hot.

Ben: Um, okay.

Jamie: I will lean in and kiss you. You open your mouth and I’ll open mine.

Ben: All right.

Jamie: You’re doing it wrong. My mouth is open and yours is not.

Ben: Thanks for the hints. I’m almost 30 and kissed every woman here but that’s cool.

Jamie: You’re still doing it wrong but I think I made my point. I am not a robot and I am really attracted to you. Got it?

Ben (seeing Jamie’s eyes turn red as her heat vision rays warm up): Got it.

I’m pretty sure Jamie is a robot. 

8:54 – Final rose ceremony time. Jamie, your limo is waiting for you downstairs.

8:56 – Emily gets the last rose. I’m shocked, totally shocked, that Jamie’s romantic gestures had no effect on Ben. 

Final thoughts – I don’t think I’ve seen a more awkward sexual advance than the one Jamie displayed tonight. It was so awkward I cringed during most of it. I’m sure she’s a great girl, but why do that to yourself? If there’s no chemistry, go home.…Courtney the Fatlipped Model is fun to watch but the little girl act is getting old. The lip biting, the petty jealousies, the constant need for attention. Ben not showing up for a late night rendezvous is a sign he’s catching on to her…Emily is gaining ground. EVERY guy likes a woman with a sense of humor and her jokes during her one on one time and her rap at the very end show she’s got plenty. There’s nothing more attractive than a woman who can make a guy laugh.