'BACHELOR DIARY': Week 8 - And then there were three

Another week, another drama filled episode of America’s favorite guilty pleasure, “The Bachelor”.

This is the week of one of my favorite Bachelor episodes, the hometown date. Viewers always get treated to a potpourri of families this episode – the slightly crazy ones, the normal ones, the ones that seem perfect but the Bachelor isn’t that into the daughter, and the family that starts to make you question whether the girl the Bachelor is into is really all there.

I’m always stunned that families go along with these hometown visits. I understand a parent wanting to be supportive of their child, but there has got to be some level of disgust if your daughter makes it this far, right? If your daughter has made it this far, a dad has to be cringing because he knows that she AT LEAST made out with a guy on national TV. In Courtney the Fatlipped Model’s case, her dad probably has a permanently bruised forehead from banging his head against a wall every week. But I digress.

Before we get into this Monday’s episode, I do want to shamelessly self-promote. On Wednesday morning, look for my 5 TV Shows to Watch With Your Spouse post (it’ll also be in the paper next Tuesday). On Friday morning will be my first ever Reality Show Recap post, which will include short wrap-ups of “Celebrity Apprentice”, “Amazing Race”, “Top Chef”, and “Jersey Shore”. Now that’s commitment. 

Okay, enough about me. I’m starting to sound like Bethenny Frankel. And yes, I also watch “Bethenny Ever After” but I refuse to write about it. I have to have some shows for myself.

Let’s get to this week’s episode.

7:01 – The first hometown visit Ben makes is to Florida to see Lindzi. Being a Florida resident may help explain why Lindzi’s the same color as Garfield. Very early on, Lindzi says she’s only brought home one guy. That’s not a very good number after 47 years of life.

7:02 – Lindzi mentions her breakup from her only serious relationship was a year ago. This hasn’t been brought up since early in the season. Yet another case of FORESHADOWING.

7:06 – Uh, oh. Lindzi talks to Ben about her heartache regarding her last boyfriend. Says the wife, “She’s opening up but Lindzi is raising some red flags. She’s damaged, she’s got baggage. She doesn’t look ready for another relationship.” I agree. A year later and she still hasn’t gotten over it? Not good.

7:07 – Lindzi’s horse is named Devon? Seriously? If I had a horse I’d call him Glue Stick.

7:12 – Ben meets Lindzi’s parents. I’m starting to wonder how much money they have. He might be getting a sugar momma. Was that horse track on their property? I don’t know many people who have horse drawn carriage obstacle course races on their own land.

7:16 – We’re only 16 minutes in and Lindzi has mentioned her previous heartbreak 68 times. Again, not a good sign.

7:18 – I couldn’t listen to anything Lindzi’s dad said during his talk with Ben. His Donald Trump-style comb over was too distracting.

7:20 – Lindzi’s hometown visit couldn’t have gone better. Now if he can just get over their 20-year age difference, she’s golden.

7:25 – Ben is now in Tennessee to visit Kacie. Bachelor producers were kind enough to hire a marching band to greet Ben so Kacie could have yet another excuse to do some baton twirling. Why? Because nothing gets a bachelor more excited than an adult woman with a useful skill.

7:29 – Kacie is cute enough but she laughs like a hyena. She’s the bachelorette version of Fran Drescher.

7:31 – After learning that Kacie’s southern father doesn’t drink and was some kind of federal agent, California winemaker Ben is worried about meeting Kacie’s dad. I wonder why? Maybe it’s their differences in philosophies regarding alcohol or the hemp underwear and tie-dyed shirt Ben’s wearing. I could have sworn I saw Ben looking over his shoulder for fire hoses and attack dogs trained to hunt down hippies.

7:37 – Kacie is chatting with her sister but she sounds like she’s talking herself into something she doesn’t really believe. She’s only 24-years old. I think she’s in over her head.

7:39 – I like Kacie’s dad. He’s very skeptical about the whole process and is leery of what may happen to his daughter’s feelings. Ben seemed taken aback with this because he’s used to people kissing his butt, but I think Kacie’s dad handled it just like I would as a father. He didn’t fawn over Ben, he shot straight, and that made Ben a little nervous. Good for you Mr. Kacie’s Dad! Now put the attack dogs away.

7:44 – Very honest conversation between Kacie and her father. He was trying to pump the breaks and she was going full steam ahead. I like Kacie’s parents, they are some of the most real I’ve seen on this series. If Ben dumps Kacie over not getting the green light from her folks, that’s probably in her best interest anyway.

7:50 – Ben is now in Texas to see my last favorite bachelorette standing, Nicki. She proceeds to take Ben cowboy boot shopping. ABC producers like their stereotypes. I wouldn’t be surprised if Ben was soon forced to brand cattle, build an oil rig, and defend the Alamo.

7:52 - Ben dressed in full cowboy regalia looks like Marty McFly from "Back to the Future III". 

7:54 – Nicki is talking about her first marriage. She was married for two years, is now divorced, and she’s only 26? This certainly falls under “things that make you go hmmm”. Lindzi is starting to look like a frontrunner.

8:02 – Nicki’s mom and Kacie’s mom look an awful lot alike - short hair, glasses, and overly tan. I can’t tell them apart. Is this a look all women this age take on or is it a southern thing? I need to look into this.

8:04 – Ugh, yet another bachelorette talking about how this relationship is different than a previously messed up relationship. Every person has a past, there’s no denying that, but the weight both Nicki and Lindzi carry from their former relationships is unsettling. If Ben could see this (again, something I think should be allowed to happen if this show truly was about finding a spouse) he’d have serious concerns.

8:08 – Ben and Nicki’s evening with her parents went well, for Nicki. We never saw any conversations between Ben and her folks. That seemed strange to me.

8:14 – And of course ABC producers save the best for last as Ben comes to Arizona to meet Courtney the Fatlipped Model’s family. I did some research on Courtney (and by research I mean buying an US Weekly with the words “The Bachelor Maneater” on the cover) and discovered that she’s a serial celebrity dater. She’s dated Jesse Metcalf (“Desperate Housewives"), Adrian Grenier (“Entourage”), and agent Jim Toth (now married to actress Reese Witherspoon) among others. And I’m supposed to think she’s serious about dating the Geico caveman?!? Puh-lease.

8:17 – Says Courtney’s mom, “I’d be very surprised if she is in love with him. Ben seems like a nice young man but I’m not sold on it yet.” Of course she’s not, especially after her daughter goes through celebs like I go through socks.

8:19 – As a fan of sweater vests, I give my vote for Best Dressed Dad to Courtney’s pops.

8:30 – Because she hasn’t done anything insane this episode, Courtney forces Ben to write vows and go through a faux wedding. If this doesn’t scare him off, nothing will. And then we know for sure he’s a moron.

8:33 – Courtney quotes the lyrics from at least three songs during her vows. I think they were old Winger tunes.

8:34 – Courtney just told Ben she loved him. It had all the passion of the Michael/Oscar kiss from “The Office”.  

8:40 – Ben is back in Cali and he’s having a chat with the hardest working man in show business, Chris Harrison. Ben has to catch C-Hair up on what’s been going on because Chris was busy shopping for three roses while the hometown dates were being done. It’s a tough job, but somebody’s got to do it.

8:51 – Rose ceremony time. I skipped the last 11 minutes since it was useless, reflective, time killing fluff. My money is on Courtney finally getting the boot.

8:53 – OMG! Courtney is the first one to get a rose. At least Ben’s streak of moronic behavior is intact.

8:53 – Now Lindzi gets a rose. It’s down to Nicki and Kacie.

8:54 – I can’t believe it. Chris Harrison just came out to remind everyone that there is one rose left. There were only three roses total to give out! Seriously Harrison!?!? Are you really that desperate to validate your job that you need to come out after only two roses have been passed out?!? You don’t think Ben can handle simple arithmetic?!? Even a kindergartener can subtract two from three! Is your monumental countdown from three to one completely necessary at this stage of the game? Are there people at home asking themselves, “I lost count of how many roses are left. Jethro, can you see how many roses Ben has remaining?” Of course not!

You know why Chris Harrison was hired for this job? Because he’s the Will Hunting of rose counters. He was probably a custodian at MIT and some professor carelessly left roses in their office and Harrison was busted counting them Sesame Street-style. Someone decided that this level of brilliance required Hollywood’s attention and to California he was sent to find his fortune and glory.  

Sorry, I was anger typing there for a minute. Where were we?

8:54 – Holy cow! Nicki got the rose. I thought for sure Kacie was in the final. I guess her parents screwed it up for her. Or maybe it was the baton twirling, who knows.

Final thoughts – Wow, another surprising ending. I thought Kacie was in the final two for sure. I have no idea why Ben is keeping Courtney around…Speaking of Courtney, Ben has to have been told by ABC producers to keep her, right? There’s no way in any man’s right mind that a faux wedding would not be setting off a Star Trek-level red alert…Is there any way Ben is not screwed? Courtney is obviously a bad pick. Nicki and Lindzi seem to have made some seriously poor relationship choices that they’re not over. I wonder if Ben can ask for a do over? I heard Emily Maynard is available.